Cheesy Topless Lasagna

I’m sure you’ve learned by now, being a consumer in 2012, that our lives are all about branding. Some of the smartest people in the world are working at Starbucks (um) because they don’t know how to brand themselves. But here I am to help! You’re welcome. This recipe is for Topless Creamy Vegetable Lasagna. I made it for my dear friend Jordan’s wedding, which included a potluck reception. (BRILLIANT. There was even vegan cheesecake there.)

This lasagna was a labor of love. It will have you doing dishes for days, so it might be best to stagger the preparation over a few days so as to not overwhelm you. It’s worth it though! I promise.

First I made the sauce and filling. Here’s what you’ll need:

some olive oil (duh)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 tbl finely minced garlic
1 cup chopped fresh basil
2.5 tbl flour
3 cups almond milk, soymilk or what have you
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 cup raw cashews
2 tbl nutritional yeast
1 tsp sea salt
1.5 cup chopped carrots
1.5 cup chopped mushrooms
1.5 cup chopped broccoli

In a medium saucepan, heat some olive oil. Add the onion and garlic, and sauté until translucent. (Is now a good time to whine about how often I find myself typing the phrase “sauté until translucent” or “cook until translucent”? Am I famous enough to coin the acronym SUT or CUT? I know those don’t flow off the tongue so much, but we’ll go with it until I find it irritating.)

So cook those suckers, then add the basil. Cook about 2 minutes or so. You need the basil to be wilted, but not too dark. Transfer this creamy goodness to a bowl, and set aside to cool.

Use that same saucepan (efficiency!), heat some more olive oil. Whisk in the flour and cook for about a minute. The flour should smell toasty. But don’t burn it, you silly goose! Add the coconut milk, then add the almond milk 1/4 a cup at a time, whisking constantly. The mixture should thicken, but if it doesn’t, don’t sweat it. This can happen later. Just relax. Add this mixture to the cooled (hopefully) basil mixture, and whisk it all together as one happy, dysfunctional basil family.

Meanwhile, while the sauce is cooling as much as it knows how, process the raw cashews in a food processor. (It will be loud. If your roommates are watching Duck Dynasty in the living room, apologize and bring them cocktails.) The cashews should be crumbly and fine, almost powdery. Refill your roommates’ glasses, and add the basil sauce, along with nutritional yeast and sea salt, and process for a minute or so. Until nice and creamy. AGAIN, if it’s not too creamy yet, it’s fine. Relax.

Add this sauce to that VERY SAME SAUCEPAN (#efficiency!) and return to heat. Add the chopped vegetables.

If you’re making the whole lasagna on the same day, now would be the time to simmer this vegetable sauce on LOW for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Otherwise, simmer for 15 minutes and you’re good to store the sauce for a later day.

Another part of this dish you can prepare beforehand is the tofu ricotta - the recipe for which I unapologetically ganked from Isa. It’s super simple. Here’s what you need:

1 package of well-pressed, firm or extra-firm tofu
2 tsp lemon juice
1 clove minced garlic
1/4 tsp salt
dash of black pepper
about ten leaves fresh basil
2 tsp olive oil
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

In a large bowl, mush up the tofu with your fingers, until it’s crumbly. Add the lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, and basil. Mush it all together real nice-like, with your hands, until it gets sort of ricotta-y. Add the olive oil, and stir with a fork. Add the nooch and mix it all up. This will hold in the fridge for about a week.

And now we get to lasagna day!

Yes! First and foremost, haul out your vegetable cream sauce and simmer on low for about 40 minutes. Make sure to stir on occasion.

Next, decide how many layers you want to put in your ‘sagna (check that slang I just coined). Boil enough lasagna pasta to fulfill your layer needs, for about 8-10 minutes depending on your pasta. Drain and rinse with cool water. Line the bottom of your casserole dish with the pasta, and preheat your oven to 325.

When your sauce is done simmering, it’s time to build your ‘sagna. I layered mine like this:

pasta
vegetable sauce
Daiya mozzarella shreds
pasta
ricotta

And so on and so forth. Now the Daiya shreds are a bit of a luxury, one that I would omit were I to be making this dish just for myself. BUT we ARE, after all, making topless lasagna. And thus we shall press on.

Cover the final layer of pasta with Daiya shreds. Bake at 325, covered, for 20 minutes. Then bake another 15 minutes, uncovered.

Here’s the important part! When it’s done baking, turn the broiler on high. Leave the lasagna under the broiler while you go dry your hair. Make sure to stage your roommates in the kitchen, to alert you when they see smoke coming from the oven.

Storm into the kitchen, visibly upset at the sight of your burnt creation, remove lasagna, DON’T CRY WHATEVER YOU DO, and let cool while you finish drying your hair, reminding yourself that this is exactly why you’ll never own a successful, famous vegan food cart in downtown Portland. You’ll always be a barista.

Wait! This part is important! Ten minutes later, remove the top layer and consider your time served. It’s still delicious.