Childhood Nostalgia Stuffed Crust Pizza with Mac & Cheese, Fried Pickles and Ranch Drizzle

WOAH IT'S VEGAN PIZZA DAY MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

To celebrate, I literally ate nothing but vegan pizza today. No lie - after work, I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch (one of the very few vegan friendly spots in Bowling Green) and ordered a small pizza with tempeh, Daiya, kalamata olives and mushrooms. Bomb! Thank you Mellow Mushroom for allowing me to eat vegan pizza ALL DAY.

AND THEN for dinner I prepared the following pit-zuh in celebration of this beautiful, meaningful holiday. If I may, I'd like for you to read this post with your eyes and also with your heart - to get our country back to its roots and to recognize the TRUE meaning of Vegan Pizza Day. It's not about buying the most expensive gift or decorating your house with the biggest light show on the block or throwing the biggest holiday party with A-list guests. It's about... well... GOD BLESS AMERICA.

This pizza is all about nostalgia. It ties together a few of my absolute favorite things from childhood (and let's be real - I can devour these dishes in no time as an adult as well) - macaroni and cheese, fried pickles, ranch, and STUFFED CRUST.

As we all know, by now, homemade pizza dough is a labor of love. I have nothing significant to add to Isa Chandra's dough recipe so I will let you find that on your own. Spoiler alert! - the thesis of dough recipes is usually this - dough making/stretching/mixing is an art. It's simple enough - mix some yeast and sugar and water with some flour, cover it in oil, let it rest, stretch it out, kneed it out, let it rest some more, kneed it some more. But it is all about the feeling. Any seasoned pro (i.e. someone who has made dough more than once) can tell you - it's about your technique.

While your dough is resting (as there is plenty of this involved - believe me), first prepare your fried pickles. The biggest challenge in making these is abstaining from eating each one as you pull them out of the fryer. For one, this will burn you. Also, you won't have any fried pickles left to top your pizza. How embarrassing!!!! 

For this you will need:

However many pickles you want to fry - I use the hamburger dill kind 

1 1/2 Cup all purpose flour

2 Tbl cornstarch

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp egg replacer powder

1 tsp paprika

1 Cup almond milk (or your preferred non-dairy milk of choice)

Whisk together all the dry ingredients in a small bowl. Pour the almond milk in another small bowl.

Fill a heavy cast iron skillet or other high-heat pan with vegetable oil about halfway, or about 2 inches below the top of the pan. Heat the oil on medium-high heat and wait a bit.

To prepare the pickles, simply dip them in the milk, then the flour mixture and set aside. As a general frying rule of thumb, always toss in a small piece of batter as a test before frying your main dish. If the small bit begins frying immediately, then your oil is hot enough. If not, wait a little longer.

Fry your pickles in small batches of four or five to avoid them clumping together. Remove with a fork or other slotted utensil and place on a paper towel to dry. These can sit and relax until you are ready for your pizza. If, of course, you resist temptation. Again, let me emphasize that this is THE most difficult part of assembling the nostalgia pizza.

Oh look at that - you still have some resting time for your dough?????!! How shall we pass the time? Watch a few Friends episodes? Read a Billy Collins poem? Walk to your corner bar for a pint of the good stuff? Consider overpopulation? Or perhaps we could, oh I don't know, make some MAC N CHEESE.

Now the easy option here would be to purchase some store bought mac n cheese. This will work in a pinch, of course. When I am feeling lazy/hungover/crampy I indulge in Amy's gluten free mac n cheeze, which beats any store bought product I've personally encountered. The problem with using store bought mac and cheese with this pizza, though, is that you have little to no control over the amount of sauce, which will become crucial in the baking stage.

SO, put on your big girl panties because it doesn't take THAT much effort to prepare your own sauce. Plus it's VEGAN PIZZA DAY so like I said earlier, don't lose sight of the Reason for the Season.

Here's what you'll need:

macaroni elbows
4 Cups vegetable broth
2 Tbl lemon juice
1 Tbl Earth Balance
2 Tbl olive oil
1/2 Cup flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp black pepper
a couple pinches of dried thyme, crumbled in your fingers
1 tsp turmeric
1 1/2 -2 Cups nutritional yeast
1 Tbl yellow mustard

Prepare the mararoni according to the directions on the package if you're a dummy or if you're not a dummy prepare the macaroni according to how normal humans prepare pasta. There's no crucial time frame for this so you can cook your pasta while gathering sauce ingredients, or mixing a cooking cocktail or finding the perfect Pandora station to cook to. When it's done, drain and set aside.

In a medium saucepan, heat your veggie stock over medium heat until it comes to an easy boil. Add the lemon juice, olive oil and Earth Balance and reduce to medium-low heat. Gently stir in the flour, salt, garlic powder, pepper, thyme and turmeric and cook for a 2 minutes, stirring frequently. Now add the nutritional yeast about a half cup at a time, stirring constantly to incorporate.

At this point, the sauce may bubble up on you. Watch out! Cover your face! Wear safety goggles! Or some hip Ray Bans or something.

Either way, once your nooch is all in, reduce the sauce to low heat and stir in the mustard - the crown jewel of any American dish. Stir a few more minutes until your heart is satisfied and remove from heat.

Set aside 1 cup of the sauce. Stir the rest in with your macaroni elbows and marvel at the beauty of humanity. If your mac and cheese is a little saucy - don't panic. This will be helpful to you in the end due to the wizardly habits of ovens and their tendency to dry things out.

Now is it time to assemble the pizza??? Yes. It is that time now. First! Heat your oven mega hot. (I do mine at 500. 475 or 450 is also acceptable.)

Let's prepare the crust. Toss your dough and make it work for you (I suggest turning on some Ru Paul for this piece). To make a stuffed crust, it works exactly as you think it will - stretch it out a little past the pan to have a little excess for rolling over. Line the edges with mozzorella Daiya cheese and fold the excess dough over.

Now, take that one cup of cheese sauce and spread it evenly over your pizza. Next, pile on the mac and cheese. Top with fried pickles. Brush the crust with melted Earth Balance and stick that guy in the oven for 18-20 minutes, checking back occasionally via the oven light but NOT via opening the door and gazing at your creation like a dumbass letting all the heat out for 20 seconds.

While your pizza is baking, prepare the easy peasy ranch sauce. Vegan ranch is no secret, nor is it too difficult to assemble. Here's a recipe I found on about.com that seems to work well for me:

1 Cup veganaise
1/4 Cup soymilk
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 tsp parsley
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 tsp dried dill

Whisk all ingredients together and THE END. I like the store mine in a squirt bottle for easy garnishing. It keeps about a week or two if you're brave. #upthepunx

When your pizza is done, remove from the oven, let cool, drizzle with ranch and enjoy with a PBR to celebrate your adulthood and remember this magical holiday that only comes once a year.

Curry Chickpeas and Pan-Fried Teriyaki Turkey with Spicy Almond Tahini Sauce

You may have heard by now that I only purchase faux meat products when they are on manager's special at Kroger, throw them in the freezer and save them for a rainy day [read: a long-ass 3 PBR day]. This particular long-ass 3 PBR day was an emotionally heartwrenching one (likely involving my poor dying toenail or the ghosts that haunt my 130-year-old home or purchasing a non-ripe avocado or something of comparable heartache) and I wanted comfort food.

If you are looking for a different way to prepare any faux deli slices you have lying around the house, this is a good way to dress up that turkey for a night on the town. Totally appropriate for any fancy-ass dinner party complete with candles and cut-off jeans and the like.

First prepare the chickpeas.

Here's the stuffs (serves two, because, date night):

1 1/2 cup canned chickpeas
1 Tbl curry powder
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 Tbl extra virgin olive oil

Preheat your oven to 400. In a small bowl, whisk together the dry spices. In a separate, medium-sized bowl, toss your chickpeas with the olive oil to evenly coat them. Then add the spice mixture and toss everything around similar to a 15-year-old Meredith at her first MXPX show. Make sure everything is evenly coated.

Toss your chickpeas into a shallow baking pan and throw them in the oven, uncovered, once it is thoroughly heated. These will need to roast for 35 minutes, so let's get to work on your other elements.

Now is a good time to start on the sauce. Have we talked lately about how the key to any great dish is an exceptional sauce? No? Well, the thing is, anyone can prepare a pan-fried meat slices or baked polenta or crab cakes or spring rolls or what have you, but the sauce is the glue. Many dishes are nothing without it. So pay attention! Gather your sauce ingredients:

1 Cup raw, unsalted almonds
1/4 Cup water
1/2 Cup tahini
1 Tbl chili garlic sauce
1 tsp Frank's Red Hot or Louisiana or your hot sauce of choice*
1 tsp sea salt

*As a declared Kentuckian and loyal PBR drinker with two missing teeth and a busted up front bumper, I take pride in my dedication to Frank's Red Hot (or the occasional Texas Pete) as my redneck hot sauce of choice.

In a food processor, chop up the almond until they are crumbly. Do you know what I mean by "crumbly"? Good. We are all adults here. Once they are crumbly, slowly add the 1/4 cup of water and blend until evenly mixed. It should be rather creamy at this point, but if not, don't panic, we will get to this later.

Next, add the remainder of your ingredients and process until evenly mixed. If the sauce is too thick for your liking, add more water one tablespoon at a time until it is perfect.

This can be served as it, but it will make the cohesive dish temperature a little wonky, so I suggest heating it in a small saucepan on low heat, stirring occasionally, until your dish is pulled together and ready for plating.

Now let's get to the turkey! First, cut up your rounded slabs of faux turkey deli slices (however many you feel will feed two people - I used 6 or 7 slices I think) into strips. Now let's prepare the stir-fry sauce. Here's what you'll need:

1 Tbl Braggs liquid aminos
2 Tbl teriyaki sauce
2 tsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp olive oil

Whisk together all ingredients in a small bowl. Easy! Now, find yourself a non-stick skillet and heat your teriyaki sauce in it over medium-high heat. Wait about a half a minute for it to heat thoroughly and then throw your slices in there about 4 or 5 at a time. These should begin to fry rather quickly on a higher heat, so stir constantly. When the edges are black or charred, remove from heat and set aside to assemble your dish.

By now, your chickpeas should be finished. Remove those from the oven. It's time to plate! My favorite time of day!

Lay your almond tahini sauce as a base. Then dump a pile of chickpeas in the center of the puddle. Lay strips of turkey across the top of the chickpea mound. Garnish with sesame seeds. Ta-da!

Arrested Development Extravaganza!!

Oh guys. The time has come. This little lady has been waiting impatiently for FOUR YEARS (roughly the same amount of time it takes an "average" "college student" to finish a "bachelor's degree," apparently - which is a long time!) for new Arrested Development, and FINALLY the day has come. That cheeky little ballcapped Ron Howard, everyone's favorite ginger in Hollywood, has finally read my baker's dozen of threatening letters and has released Season Four of Arrested Development.

So what else is a hungry girl to do but THROW A PARTAY?! I am always looking for another excuse to feed people. This seemed like a no-brainer. I'll share with you the entire menu near the bottom of this post, but what I really want to discuss here today is my George Sr. SoCal Cornballs. These are easy, fast, and SO delicious. Omnivores devoured them and they fit the theme of the evening perfectly. So hunker down, find some frying oil, put on your favorite Jerky Boys record and let's get cornballing! No Rules, no boundaries, go ahead touch the cornballer you know best!

YO SOY LOCO POR LOS CORNBALLS!

Here's what you'll need:

1 1/2 Cups cornmeal
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 Cup flour
1 tsp salt
2 egg replacers
1 handful of pickled jalapenos
1/2 Cup canned corn
1/2 Cup Daiya cheddar style shreds
1/4 Cup almond milk

Start with your dry ingredients - whisk together well. Then add the remaining ingredients. If these come out a little dry, add a little milk to moisten them up. The important thing to keep in mind here is that you spend some time making these with the ones you love. These are good for premiere parties but they are even BETTER for a Saturday morning pre-bike-ride snack. Unless your son decides he has better things to do.

Wop wop.

The most important piece of this recipe is getting the frying down. Since The Cornballer hasn't yet reached Kentucky, here we must resort to tried-and-true methods of old fashioned frying in vegetable oil. Be careful though - it's still pretty damn hot if you touch the side.

Find yourself a small saucepan, and fill it about halfway up with vegetable oil. Turn on high and wait a few minutes. Here's where you need to do a test drop - pinch a teeny bit of cornabll mix and toss it in the oil. If it starts to fry, then your oil is ready. If not, then keep waiting. LISTEN guys - I am one impatient gal when it comes to fried treats like George Sr.'s SoCal Cornballs, but you MUST wait for the oil to be hot enough before tossing those suckers in. Once they're ready, turn your oil down to medium-high and throw them in a couple at a time.

Follow standard protocol for frying stuff (until golden brown), remove with a fork and let dry on a paper towel. 

I served these with a sweet mustard sauce, which was BOMB. Just whisk together some brown deli mustard, veganaise, maple syrup and a peeeench of brown sugar and voila! Delicious. 

And for the rest of the menu....

Vodka and Toast

"Get me a vodka rocks"

"Mom, it's breakfast."

"And toast."

Bangers and Mash

"Who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right, I forgot, here in the states, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth."
"We just call it a sausage."

Skip's Scramble

Too many choices? Menu too big to swallow? Let Skip serve you up a scram that has something from every dish on the menu. It will knock you into next week! $47.95 a la carte.

Made this with kale hash browns, cheddar Daiya, smokey tempeh bacon,  and tofu scramble with mushrooms, peppers, spinach and carrots.

Frozen Bluth Bananas

These were frozen twice over and dipped in dark chocolate, rolled in almonds and cashews.

10 cents gets you nuts!

and finally...

Chick'n Fingers.. With Spicy Club Sauce

Also, not pictured:

boxed white zinfandel wine

ice cream sandwiches

Broccoli Corncake Stacks with Red Pepper and Creamy Garlic Thai Sauce

Whew! This one was a doozy but I am so thankful we got it done.

Not sure if I've mentioned this (lol?) but I work two jobs. Most of my meals aim to be quick, easy and hangover-friendly. But I rarely get to host dinner parties so intentionally I made this dish work-intensive. I don't really get many opportunities to do that anymore so here we go!

I've been really into stacks lately - an easy way to make simple ingredients elegant. Here's what's in this one:

layer one - broccoli corncakes
layer two - kale and mushroom
layer three - seasoned quinoa
layer four - cashews and red pepper
layer five - creamy garlic thai sauce

The kale and mushroom are relatively self-explanatory, so today I'll just focus on the broccoli corncakes and the toppings.

The corncakes were naturally the first layer I worked on, because they required the most prep and cook time. Here's how I built them:

1 cup cornmeal
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup chopped broccoli
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 Tbl white sugar
1/4 Cup almond milk or soy milk
1 Tbl canola oil

Combine all dry ingredients, then mix with the soymilk and oil. Fry in a cast iron skillet with 1 Tbl heated olive oil, flipping once golden brown. Let sit on a paper towel to dry.

Once you have your other layers made, let's look at the creamy garlic thai sauce. Here are the ingredients:

2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp thyme
1 Tbl red curry paste
2 tsp yellow curry powder
1 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup vegan sour cream (I use Tofutti sour cream because it's non-hydrogenated)
2 Tbl soy sauce
1 Tbl chili garlic sauce

Whisk together all ingredients.

The last layer I prepared in this dish was the cashews and red pepper, because it's more important that those are served hot. Here's what I used:

1 cup roasted, salted cashews
1/2 red bell pepper, diced
1/2 Tbl olive oil

Heat the olive oil on med-high in a skillet, then toss in the peppers once you can see the currents in the oils. Give the peppers two minutes to release their aromas, then toss in the cashews, and stir until the cashews are toasted.

See this post on layering and stacking and being all fancy pants.

Easy Avocado Bruschetta

I love this dish! It is a perfect quick, elegant appetizer if you are ever entertaining. I don't get to have many dinner parties, so I made sure to make this particular one super special. This was my first course - super easy to prepare while you're working on your main dish. And who can resist avocado?

Here's what you need:

1/2 loaf french-style bread
1 avocado, diced
1/2 tomato, sliced
Roughly 15 leaves fresh basil, chopped
2 Tbl olive oil;

Preheat your oven to 350. Slice french bread diagonally, so that the surface area of the dough is a few inches. Brush with olive oil and bake on a cookie sheet for 10 minutes.

While your bread is toasting, toss together the avocado, tomato, basil and olive oil in a medium-sized bowl.

When your bread is finished, spoon the tomato mixture onto the bread slices. Serve with a fancy pants cocktail while you're frantically putting together your main dish!

Spicy Cashew Miso Tofu

I've been really into stacks lately. They just look so gee-dee fancy. So simple and yet so elegant. Like this dish: simply sliced tomatoes, seasoned quinoa, steamed kale and spicy cashew miso tofu, plated with sriracha. Most elements to this dish are relatively self-explanatory, so let's dive into the tofu.

First and foremost, always press your tofu. This can be done overnight in your fridge, for an hour while you're doing laundry or updating your blog, or in ten minutes with a paper towel while your'e downing your first working-PBR.

This isn't quite a marinade tofu dish, so go ahead and preheat your oven to 400.

Here's what you'll need for the mix:

1 cup cashews
3/4 cup water
1/2 cup chili garlic sauce
3 Tbl miso paste
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper

In a food processor, process the cashews with water until creamy. Then add remaining ingredients to the processor and pulse until thoroughly mixed.

Lay out your tofu flat in a casserole dish, and pour over your cashew mix over the tofu.

Bake at 400 for 25 minutes, then remove from oven and flip the tofu with a fork. Return to oven and bake again for another 25 minutes.

To assemble a dish like this, I use a ramekin. I just layer each piece of the dish into the ramekin, obviously putting the top layer in first, and making sure everything is packed tight into the dish. Then flip it over onto a plate, and top with toppings and/or sauce. Easy peasy and elegant to boot!

Strawberry Glazed Cashews

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

By that I of course mean, "Oh look, it's Valentine's Day, so that means I have an excuse to make sweet treats for my friends. I mean my co-workers. Oh hell they're all the same people."

There are currently 23 other baristas employed at my sweet little Starbucks, and because each one of them is a precious soul who I never ever gossip about or get frustrated with, I wanted to make each person feel special and loved on this day of days. This glorious holiday that we look forward to each year. So I bought some Power Rangers valentines and decided to seal the deal with these goodie bags filled with dark chocolate and strawberry glazed cashews.

These are relatively simple, provided you have the patience for them to dry. Here's what you'll need for a smaller serving of about a dozen:

3 cups cashews (these can be raw/unsalted if you're feeling rather healthy. I think they may come out better if they are. I only could afford the salted kind)

1 cup chopped strawberries

1/2 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla

First, toast the cashews at 250 for about 20 minutes, then give them a good toss and stick them back in for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, throw your strawberries in a food processor, and process until pureed. Heat your strawberries in a large pot on medium low, mixing in the sugar and vanilla and stirring every few minutes. Once you're sure the cashews are well toasted, stir them into the strawberry mix. 

Heat these juts a few minutes. More competent cooks will take this opportunity to rant about candy thermometers and the importance of maintaining a controlled temperature, but as you might guess, I have no clue as to these sorts of things. Just eyeball it, you know? Until everything is heated and sticky and goopy and delicious-looking.

Then remove these from heat and stick them back in the oven at 350 for about a half hour. Remove and let cool, for like, a while. I threw mine on parchment paper, and spread them out evenly so that each cashew has a little space to chill. If there are spaces and clumps that are too gloopy, get rid of some of that strawberry gloop. This will make them really hard to cool.

I let mine cool for a day, but I'm sure there's a better way to do this. Dehydrator? Living in Tempe, Arizona? Hair dryer? Different recipe? No clue. 

So happy Valentine's Day to all! I leave you with a love poem from one of my favorite writers:

What Love Does

Billy Collins

A fine thing, or so it sounds

on the radio in the summer

with all the windows rolled down.

Yet it pierces not only the heart

but the eyeball and the scrotum

and the little target of the nipple with arrows.

It turns everything into a symbol

like a storm that breaks loose

in the final chapter of a long novel.

And it may add sparkle to a morning,

or deepen a night

when the bed is ringed with fire.

It teaches you new joys 

and new maneuvers --

the takedown, the reversal, the escape.

But mostly it comes and goes,

a bee visiting the center

of one flower, then another.

Even as the ink is drying

on her name, it is off

to visit someone in another city,

a city with two steeples,

rows of brick chimney pots,

and a school with a tree-lined entrance.

It will travel through the night to get there,

and it will arrive like an archangel

through an iron gate no one ever seemed to notice before.

<3

Avotatchos!

When I lived in the Northwest, I quickly learned that tatchos were the standard Portland bar food when you're 4 drinks in, despite them never appearing on any real  menu ever. I had never heard of putting tater tots in your nachos before, because why fix something that ain't broken? But listen. This is the best idea you will make the entire year of the snake (happy holidays, by the by).

So I've had a hankering for some tatchos ever since I've moved back to Kentucky - where literally no one has ever had the thought to cover tater tots in cheese. Also every time I drink more than 2 beers, I think it might be a good idea to fry up some tots and slather them with fixins. I was going to throw some together for the Super Duper Bowl, but I took a nap instead and also my friends are too hip to own TVs. So I finally said ENOUGH and made some tonight.

These are made with blue corn tortilla chips, diced avocado, sauteed mushrooms, mango salsa, tempeh crumbles, Isa's cheese sauce from Veganomicon, sriracha, Tofutti sour cream and ---- wait.... AVOTOTS.

What's an avotot? It's a tater tot made with potatoes AND avocado. Inspired by my compulsion to throw avocado into whatever I damn well please. Here's how you make them:

3 russet potatoes
2 tsp seasoned salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 avocado
3 T flour
1/2 T chili garlic sauce

Boil the potatoes until easily pierced with a fork. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mash up an avocado with the seasonings and chili garlic sauce. When the taters are done cooking, drain them, then grate them into the avocado bowl while they're still hot. Mix well, then add the flour.

In a small skillet, heat about 1/4 an inch of vegetable oil on medium heat. When you can start to see the current in the oil, ball up your avotater mixture into precious little tot-balls. Toss them into the skillet and turn once golden on one side. I shouldn't have to explain how to fry stuff, right? We're adults, right?

That said, let those drain on a paper towel when they're finished.

Not pictured: amaretto rum cocktail that will surely help me pass this food baby.

Buffalo Chicken Dip

I am already super insecure about this recipe so I'll go ahead and say first thing - processed ingredients alert!! Geee! ::hides in shame::

But it's so good, so here you go. Sigh. This is the first time I've ever uploaded a recipe with anything like vegan sour cream, but I think it is absolutely worth it, because we are all allowed cheats every once in a while, right? My friend Katherine says, "There are never absolutes."

This is a great dish to bring to a party or event where there will be lots of non-vegan-types around. It's super bad for you and super delicious. I took it to three holiday parties this year, and it got rave reviews by herbivores and omni's alike.

If you're still not convinced, I suggest you take a minute to imagine how floored your friends will be when you arrive at their Christmas party dressed as Sexy Penguin, holding a bowl of vegan buffalo chicken dip and a six-pack of Fat Tire. YOU WILL BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL. Trust me.

So here's what you'll need: (cringe)

2 T coconut oil
2 T minced garlic
1/4 C Earth Balance
1 Not Chick'n bouillon cube
1/2 C Tofutti cream cheese
1 C Tofutti sour cream
1/2 C soy creamer
1 C soy milk
1 bottle Franks Red Hot sauce or vegan buffalo sauce (many have butter so pay attention!)
1/4 C flour
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp black pepper

1 package of firm tofu, drained and pressed
1 C chopped walnuts


Preparation here is easy: Heat the coconut oil over medium-low heat until melted, then add garlic. Then, continue adding each ingredient one at a time, until melted and mixed well. Once you add the paprika, pulse the walnuts in a food processor until fine, almost powdery. Then, add the tofu to the processor and pulse until chunky. Add this mixture to the pot of sauce and cook another 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Garnish with celery, as if by some ridiculous logic that small amount of vegetable will somehow redeem anything you're doing today.

Cheesy Topless Lasagna

I’m sure you’ve learned by now, being a consumer in 2012, that our lives are all about branding. Some of the smartest people in the world are working at Starbucks (um) because they don’t know how to brand themselves. But here I am to help! You’re welcome. This recipe is for Topless Creamy Vegetable Lasagna. I made it for my dear friend Jordan’s wedding, which included a potluck reception. (BRILLIANT. There was even vegan cheesecake there.)

This lasagna was a labor of love. It will have you doing dishes for days, so it might be best to stagger the preparation over a few days so as to not overwhelm you. It’s worth it though! I promise.

First I made the sauce and filling. Here’s what you’ll need:

some olive oil (duh)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 tbl finely minced garlic
1 cup chopped fresh basil
2.5 tbl flour
3 cups almond milk, soymilk or what have you
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 cup raw cashews
2 tbl nutritional yeast
1 tsp sea salt
1.5 cup chopped carrots
1.5 cup chopped mushrooms
1.5 cup chopped broccoli

In a medium saucepan, heat some olive oil. Add the onion and garlic, and sauté until translucent. (Is now a good time to whine about how often I find myself typing the phrase “sauté until translucent” or “cook until translucent”? Am I famous enough to coin the acronym SUT or CUT? I know those don’t flow off the tongue so much, but we’ll go with it until I find it irritating.)

So cook those suckers, then add the basil. Cook about 2 minutes or so. You need the basil to be wilted, but not too dark. Transfer this creamy goodness to a bowl, and set aside to cool.

Use that same saucepan (efficiency!), heat some more olive oil. Whisk in the flour and cook for about a minute. The flour should smell toasty. But don’t burn it, you silly goose! Add the coconut milk, then add the almond milk 1/4 a cup at a time, whisking constantly. The mixture should thicken, but if it doesn’t, don’t sweat it. This can happen later. Just relax. Add this mixture to the cooled (hopefully) basil mixture, and whisk it all together as one happy, dysfunctional basil family.

Meanwhile, while the sauce is cooling as much as it knows how, process the raw cashews in a food processor. (It will be loud. If your roommates are watching Duck Dynasty in the living room, apologize and bring them cocktails.) The cashews should be crumbly and fine, almost powdery. Refill your roommates’ glasses, and add the basil sauce, along with nutritional yeast and sea salt, and process for a minute or so. Until nice and creamy. AGAIN, if it’s not too creamy yet, it’s fine. Relax.

Add this sauce to that VERY SAME SAUCEPAN (#efficiency!) and return to heat. Add the chopped vegetables.

If you’re making the whole lasagna on the same day, now would be the time to simmer this vegetable sauce on LOW for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Otherwise, simmer for 15 minutes and you’re good to store the sauce for a later day.

Another part of this dish you can prepare beforehand is the tofu ricotta - the recipe for which I unapologetically ganked from Isa. It’s super simple. Here’s what you need:

1 package of well-pressed, firm or extra-firm tofu
2 tsp lemon juice
1 clove minced garlic
1/4 tsp salt
dash of black pepper
about ten leaves fresh basil
2 tsp olive oil
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

In a large bowl, mush up the tofu with your fingers, until it’s crumbly. Add the lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, and basil. Mush it all together real nice-like, with your hands, until it gets sort of ricotta-y. Add the olive oil, and stir with a fork. Add the nooch and mix it all up. This will hold in the fridge for about a week.

And now we get to lasagna day!

Yes! First and foremost, haul out your vegetable cream sauce and simmer on low for about 40 minutes. Make sure to stir on occasion.

Next, decide how many layers you want to put in your ‘sagna (check that slang I just coined). Boil enough lasagna pasta to fulfill your layer needs, for about 8-10 minutes depending on your pasta. Drain and rinse with cool water. Line the bottom of your casserole dish with the pasta, and preheat your oven to 325.

When your sauce is done simmering, it’s time to build your ‘sagna. I layered mine like this:

pasta
vegetable sauce
Daiya mozzarella shreds
pasta
ricotta

And so on and so forth. Now the Daiya shreds are a bit of a luxury, one that I would omit were I to be making this dish just for myself. BUT we ARE, after all, making topless lasagna. And thus we shall press on.

Cover the final layer of pasta with Daiya shreds. Bake at 325, covered, for 20 minutes. Then bake another 15 minutes, uncovered.

Here’s the important part! When it’s done baking, turn the broiler on high. Leave the lasagna under the broiler while you go dry your hair. Make sure to stage your roommates in the kitchen, to alert you when they see smoke coming from the oven.

Storm into the kitchen, visibly upset at the sight of your burnt creation, remove lasagna, DON’T CRY WHATEVER YOU DO, and let cool while you finish drying your hair, reminding yourself that this is exactly why you’ll never own a successful, famous vegan food cart in downtown Portland. You’ll always be a barista.

Wait! This part is important! Ten minutes later, remove the top layer and consider your time served. It’s still delicious.