Childhood Nostalgia Stuffed Crust Pizza with Mac & Cheese, Fried Pickles and Ranch Drizzle

WOAH IT'S VEGAN PIZZA DAY MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

To celebrate, I literally ate nothing but vegan pizza today. No lie - after work, I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch (one of the very few vegan friendly spots in Bowling Green) and ordered a small pizza with tempeh, Daiya, kalamata olives and mushrooms. Bomb! Thank you Mellow Mushroom for allowing me to eat vegan pizza ALL DAY.

AND THEN for dinner I prepared the following pit-zuh in celebration of this beautiful, meaningful holiday. If I may, I'd like for you to read this post with your eyes and also with your heart - to get our country back to its roots and to recognize the TRUE meaning of Vegan Pizza Day. It's not about buying the most expensive gift or decorating your house with the biggest light show on the block or throwing the biggest holiday party with A-list guests. It's about... well... GOD BLESS AMERICA.

This pizza is all about nostalgia. It ties together a few of my absolute favorite things from childhood (and let's be real - I can devour these dishes in no time as an adult as well) - macaroni and cheese, fried pickles, ranch, and STUFFED CRUST.

As we all know, by now, homemade pizza dough is a labor of love. I have nothing significant to add to Isa Chandra's dough recipe so I will let you find that on your own. Spoiler alert! - the thesis of dough recipes is usually this - dough making/stretching/mixing is an art. It's simple enough - mix some yeast and sugar and water with some flour, cover it in oil, let it rest, stretch it out, kneed it out, let it rest some more, kneed it some more. But it is all about the feeling. Any seasoned pro (i.e. someone who has made dough more than once) can tell you - it's about your technique.

While your dough is resting (as there is plenty of this involved - believe me), first prepare your fried pickles. The biggest challenge in making these is abstaining from eating each one as you pull them out of the fryer. For one, this will burn you. Also, you won't have any fried pickles left to top your pizza. How embarrassing!!!! 

For this you will need:

However many pickles you want to fry - I use the hamburger dill kind 

1 1/2 Cup all purpose flour

2 Tbl cornstarch

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp egg replacer powder

1 tsp paprika

1 Cup almond milk (or your preferred non-dairy milk of choice)

Whisk together all the dry ingredients in a small bowl. Pour the almond milk in another small bowl.

Fill a heavy cast iron skillet or other high-heat pan with vegetable oil about halfway, or about 2 inches below the top of the pan. Heat the oil on medium-high heat and wait a bit.

To prepare the pickles, simply dip them in the milk, then the flour mixture and set aside. As a general frying rule of thumb, always toss in a small piece of batter as a test before frying your main dish. If the small bit begins frying immediately, then your oil is hot enough. If not, wait a little longer.

Fry your pickles in small batches of four or five to avoid them clumping together. Remove with a fork or other slotted utensil and place on a paper towel to dry. These can sit and relax until you are ready for your pizza. If, of course, you resist temptation. Again, let me emphasize that this is THE most difficult part of assembling the nostalgia pizza.

Oh look at that - you still have some resting time for your dough?????!! How shall we pass the time? Watch a few Friends episodes? Read a Billy Collins poem? Walk to your corner bar for a pint of the good stuff? Consider overpopulation? Or perhaps we could, oh I don't know, make some MAC N CHEESE.

Now the easy option here would be to purchase some store bought mac n cheese. This will work in a pinch, of course. When I am feeling lazy/hungover/crampy I indulge in Amy's gluten free mac n cheeze, which beats any store bought product I've personally encountered. The problem with using store bought mac and cheese with this pizza, though, is that you have little to no control over the amount of sauce, which will become crucial in the baking stage.

SO, put on your big girl panties because it doesn't take THAT much effort to prepare your own sauce. Plus it's VEGAN PIZZA DAY so like I said earlier, don't lose sight of the Reason for the Season.

Here's what you'll need:

macaroni elbows
4 Cups vegetable broth
2 Tbl lemon juice
1 Tbl Earth Balance
2 Tbl olive oil
1/2 Cup flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp black pepper
a couple pinches of dried thyme, crumbled in your fingers
1 tsp turmeric
1 1/2 -2 Cups nutritional yeast
1 Tbl yellow mustard

Prepare the mararoni according to the directions on the package if you're a dummy or if you're not a dummy prepare the macaroni according to how normal humans prepare pasta. There's no crucial time frame for this so you can cook your pasta while gathering sauce ingredients, or mixing a cooking cocktail or finding the perfect Pandora station to cook to. When it's done, drain and set aside.

In a medium saucepan, heat your veggie stock over medium heat until it comes to an easy boil. Add the lemon juice, olive oil and Earth Balance and reduce to medium-low heat. Gently stir in the flour, salt, garlic powder, pepper, thyme and turmeric and cook for a 2 minutes, stirring frequently. Now add the nutritional yeast about a half cup at a time, stirring constantly to incorporate.

At this point, the sauce may bubble up on you. Watch out! Cover your face! Wear safety goggles! Or some hip Ray Bans or something.

Either way, once your nooch is all in, reduce the sauce to low heat and stir in the mustard - the crown jewel of any American dish. Stir a few more minutes until your heart is satisfied and remove from heat.

Set aside 1 cup of the sauce. Stir the rest in with your macaroni elbows and marvel at the beauty of humanity. If your mac and cheese is a little saucy - don't panic. This will be helpful to you in the end due to the wizardly habits of ovens and their tendency to dry things out.

Now is it time to assemble the pizza??? Yes. It is that time now. First! Heat your oven mega hot. (I do mine at 500. 475 or 450 is also acceptable.)

Let's prepare the crust. Toss your dough and make it work for you (I suggest turning on some Ru Paul for this piece). To make a stuffed crust, it works exactly as you think it will - stretch it out a little past the pan to have a little excess for rolling over. Line the edges with mozzorella Daiya cheese and fold the excess dough over.

Now, take that one cup of cheese sauce and spread it evenly over your pizza. Next, pile on the mac and cheese. Top with fried pickles. Brush the crust with melted Earth Balance and stick that guy in the oven for 18-20 minutes, checking back occasionally via the oven light but NOT via opening the door and gazing at your creation like a dumbass letting all the heat out for 20 seconds.

While your pizza is baking, prepare the easy peasy ranch sauce. Vegan ranch is no secret, nor is it too difficult to assemble. Here's a recipe I found on about.com that seems to work well for me:

1 Cup veganaise
1/4 Cup soymilk
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 tsp parsley
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 tsp dried dill

Whisk all ingredients together and THE END. I like the store mine in a squirt bottle for easy garnishing. It keeps about a week or two if you're brave. #upthepunx

When your pizza is done, remove from the oven, let cool, drizzle with ranch and enjoy with a PBR to celebrate your adulthood and remember this magical holiday that only comes once a year.

Arrested Development Extravaganza!!

Oh guys. The time has come. This little lady has been waiting impatiently for FOUR YEARS (roughly the same amount of time it takes an "average" "college student" to finish a "bachelor's degree," apparently - which is a long time!) for new Arrested Development, and FINALLY the day has come. That cheeky little ballcapped Ron Howard, everyone's favorite ginger in Hollywood, has finally read my baker's dozen of threatening letters and has released Season Four of Arrested Development.

So what else is a hungry girl to do but THROW A PARTAY?! I am always looking for another excuse to feed people. This seemed like a no-brainer. I'll share with you the entire menu near the bottom of this post, but what I really want to discuss here today is my George Sr. SoCal Cornballs. These are easy, fast, and SO delicious. Omnivores devoured them and they fit the theme of the evening perfectly. So hunker down, find some frying oil, put on your favorite Jerky Boys record and let's get cornballing! No Rules, no boundaries, go ahead touch the cornballer you know best!

YO SOY LOCO POR LOS CORNBALLS!

Here's what you'll need:

1 1/2 Cups cornmeal
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 Cup flour
1 tsp salt
2 egg replacers
1 handful of pickled jalapenos
1/2 Cup canned corn
1/2 Cup Daiya cheddar style shreds
1/4 Cup almond milk

Start with your dry ingredients - whisk together well. Then add the remaining ingredients. If these come out a little dry, add a little milk to moisten them up. The important thing to keep in mind here is that you spend some time making these with the ones you love. These are good for premiere parties but they are even BETTER for a Saturday morning pre-bike-ride snack. Unless your son decides he has better things to do.

Wop wop.

The most important piece of this recipe is getting the frying down. Since The Cornballer hasn't yet reached Kentucky, here we must resort to tried-and-true methods of old fashioned frying in vegetable oil. Be careful though - it's still pretty damn hot if you touch the side.

Find yourself a small saucepan, and fill it about halfway up with vegetable oil. Turn on high and wait a few minutes. Here's where you need to do a test drop - pinch a teeny bit of cornabll mix and toss it in the oil. If it starts to fry, then your oil is ready. If not, then keep waiting. LISTEN guys - I am one impatient gal when it comes to fried treats like George Sr.'s SoCal Cornballs, but you MUST wait for the oil to be hot enough before tossing those suckers in. Once they're ready, turn your oil down to medium-high and throw them in a couple at a time.

Follow standard protocol for frying stuff (until golden brown), remove with a fork and let dry on a paper towel. 

I served these with a sweet mustard sauce, which was BOMB. Just whisk together some brown deli mustard, veganaise, maple syrup and a peeeench of brown sugar and voila! Delicious. 

And for the rest of the menu....

Vodka and Toast

"Get me a vodka rocks"

"Mom, it's breakfast."

"And toast."

Bangers and Mash

"Who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right, I forgot, here in the states, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth."
"We just call it a sausage."

Skip's Scramble

Too many choices? Menu too big to swallow? Let Skip serve you up a scram that has something from every dish on the menu. It will knock you into next week! $47.95 a la carte.

Made this with kale hash browns, cheddar Daiya, smokey tempeh bacon,  and tofu scramble with mushrooms, peppers, spinach and carrots.

Frozen Bluth Bananas

These were frozen twice over and dipped in dark chocolate, rolled in almonds and cashews.

10 cents gets you nuts!

and finally...

Chick'n Fingers.. With Spicy Club Sauce

Also, not pictured:

boxed white zinfandel wine

ice cream sandwiches

Cheesy Broccoli Pi with Chili Lime Tofu in Herbed Crust

It's Pi Day, Pi Day, gotta get down on Pi Day. This pi was a labor of love but so, so very worth it. So hunker down and drink some water and pay attention. I'll try to sprinkle a few jokes here and there to keep your attention but I can't promise they'll be gold medallion status because this one is a doozy.


First! Let's marinate some tofu! In order to get the tofu fully marinated, take care of this the night before (March 13, naturally). Here's what you'll need:

One package of well-pressed tofu
Juice from 2 limes
2 Tbl chili garlic sauce
1 tsp brown sugar
2 Tbl soy sauce

Whisk your marinade together in a small bowl. Slice the tofu into cubes and place in a shallow casserole dish. Pour the marinade over your tofu, cover with plastic wrap and place in the fridge overnight.


Next, and most importantly, prepare the crust the day you'll need it (March 14, naturally). Here's what you'll need for two full pie crusts:

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 Tbl sugar
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
2/3 cup shortening
1/2 cup cold water, plus more as needed
4 tsp apple cider vinegar
4 Tbl thyme
4 Tbl basil

First I should point out that this crust recipe is almost an exact replica of the one provided by Isa Chandra in her book Veganomicon, a MUST for anyone even remotely interested in vegan cooking. I see no reason to "improve upon" her recipes, but experimenting with a few tweeks is always encouraged.

The secret to pi crust is keep everything as cold as possible. Vegan Dad even suggests freezing your shortening, then cutting it in as it slowly thaws.

In a large mixing bowl, mix together your dry ingredients. Gradually cut in the shortening bit by bit and mash into the flour with your fingers. Once you're finished, the mixture should be crumbly, pebbly and moist. Next, combine the vinegar and water and slowly add this to the dough. I add this mixture to the dough in a couple small batches, mixing the dough until it pinches together. If you need to, add a little more water until the dough holds.

Gather your dough and gently kneed it just a few times, until it holds together. Sprinkle a clean surface with flour and roll your dough out flat on it, then cover with plastic wrap and place in the fridge until you are ready to use it.

And since you're waiting on your crust to sit and gel, I know I promised some free jokes but I'd rather give you an Onion snippet than scrape the dredges of my own reservoir:

It's one of my favorites.

Now go search The Onion for all things Tim Duncan.

Now it's time to prepare the filling! Gather all yo shit and let's get choppin:

3 cloves minced garlic
Roughly 10 medium sized mushrooms or 1 Cup chopped mushrooms
1 Cup chopped broccoli
1 Tbl olive oil
1 tsp salt
1/4 Cup Braggs liquid aminos
1 Cup nutritional yeast
1/4 Cup almond milk (or your preferred nondairy milk of choice)
2 Tbl flour
splashes of water as needed

Heat a large pan on medium, then add the olive oil and heat it until you can see the currents (roughly half a minute). Add the garlic and cook it for about a minute - just long enough to release the aromas but not long enough to overcook it. Next, add your broccoli and cook for about 5 minutes. Then add the Braggs, salt, and mushrooms and cook an additional 3 minutes, stirring regularly. Next, gradually add the nutritional yeast a few tablespoons at a time, and stir to evenly coat the veggies. Then slowly add the almond milk and stir.

Here is where you'll need to monitor your mix and make sure it thickens properly. As it cooks, stir continually and gradually add the water/flour based on how thick you want it. Do this for about 5 minutes, uncovered, then remove from heat.

Oh here is the part where you have forgotten to preheat your oven, so go ahead and heat your oven to 350 while you prepare your pi crust.

Now let's build the pi! Take your crust out of the fridge and slice it in half. Roll out both halves on a clean, flour-dusted surface. Press one half into a pi dish to prepare the outer crust, and set aside the other half for the top.

Lay out the marinated tofu on the bottom of the pi crust to build your bottom layer. Next, pour your mushroom/broccoli mix over the tofu, then lay the remaining crust over the top. And obviously here is where you can feel free to design your Pi Day crust as you see fit. Brush with melted Earth Balance and bake for 45-55 minutes, or until the crust is golden and the filling is bubbling.

As always, thanks to sous-chef Travis for going the extra mile to model this pi!

Happy Pi Day!

Avotatchos!

When I lived in the Northwest, I quickly learned that tatchos were the standard Portland bar food when you're 4 drinks in, despite them never appearing on any real  menu ever. I had never heard of putting tater tots in your nachos before, because why fix something that ain't broken? But listen. This is the best idea you will make the entire year of the snake (happy holidays, by the by).

So I've had a hankering for some tatchos ever since I've moved back to Kentucky - where literally no one has ever had the thought to cover tater tots in cheese. Also every time I drink more than 2 beers, I think it might be a good idea to fry up some tots and slather them with fixins. I was going to throw some together for the Super Duper Bowl, but I took a nap instead and also my friends are too hip to own TVs. So I finally said ENOUGH and made some tonight.

These are made with blue corn tortilla chips, diced avocado, sauteed mushrooms, mango salsa, tempeh crumbles, Isa's cheese sauce from Veganomicon, sriracha, Tofutti sour cream and ---- wait.... AVOTOTS.

What's an avotot? It's a tater tot made with potatoes AND avocado. Inspired by my compulsion to throw avocado into whatever I damn well please. Here's how you make them:

3 russet potatoes
2 tsp seasoned salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 avocado
3 T flour
1/2 T chili garlic sauce

Boil the potatoes until easily pierced with a fork. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mash up an avocado with the seasonings and chili garlic sauce. When the taters are done cooking, drain them, then grate them into the avocado bowl while they're still hot. Mix well, then add the flour.

In a small skillet, heat about 1/4 an inch of vegetable oil on medium heat. When you can start to see the current in the oil, ball up your avotater mixture into precious little tot-balls. Toss them into the skillet and turn once golden on one side. I shouldn't have to explain how to fry stuff, right? We're adults, right?

That said, let those drain on a paper towel when they're finished.

Not pictured: amaretto rum cocktail that will surely help me pass this food baby.

Breakfast Pizza

I have been dreaming of making a breakfast pizza for FOREVER, and today I finally had the day off work to do it.

There are four basic elements (read: four different stages of prep work [read: four different rounds of dishes]) of this pizza: homemade pizza dough (obvi), sweet avocado sauce for the base, tofu scramble with peppers mushrooms carrots spinach, topped with maple tempeh bacon. Geeeeeee.

As always, I recommend Isa Chandra's pizza dough recipe, which is straightforward and thorough. Also, I've covered the basics of tofu scramble somewhere on here before, so we'll skip that tutorial.

The maple tempeh bacon, however, requires some forethought. Make this one day ahead. Here's what you'll need:

1/2 package of tempeh
1/2 C soy sauce
2 T apple cider vinegar
1/2 T brown sugar
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp chile powder
2 tsp liquid smoke
1 T pure maple syrup

Slice the tempeh into thin strips, and place in a shallow dish big enough to lay each strip flat. In a small sauce pot, heat the soy sauce and apple cider over medium-low heat. Once heated, add the sugar and stir until completely dissolved. Add the remaining spices and stir on low heat for another 2 minutes, then remove from heat. Once cooled, stir in the liquid smoke and maple syrup.

Pour the marinade over the tempeh strips, making sure that each one is completely inundated. Cover with plastic wrap and chill (bro) in the fridge overnight.

Now it's PIZZZZZZA TIME. Let's talk about the sauce.

No literally, let's have a conversation about pizza sauce.

Well no one has called or texted or g-chatted me yet so I'll continue with my MONOlogue about this pizza sauce. Now would be a good time to mention that I have a "thing" for avocado, and this sauce is not for the faint of heart. It's a little sweet, but definitely avocado-y and therefore definitely earthy and... avocado-y. Get these stuffs:

1/2 an avocado
1/2 C raw, unsalted cashews
1/4 C water
1 T honey (or your preferred sweetener if you don't "believe in" honey)

In a food processor, pulse the cashews until crumbly, then slowly add the water until it's all creamy and what have you. Add the avocado and honey (or your preferred sweetener if you don't "believe in" honey), and puree until it's all smooth and what have you. Look down into that little food processor hole and see if the sauce is all "loosey goosey" or all "stiff and boring." If it's all "stiff and boring" and might not hack it as a pizza sauce, continue to process and slowly add more water, one tablespoon at a time. I confess I was not diligent in writing down all of these measurements. Just pretend you didn't hear that.

Wait! Before we get any further, go ahead and preheat your oven to FIVE THOUSAND -- I'm sorry -- FIVE HUNDRED degrees.

So! Prepare the crust, spread the sauce, and cover the pie with your tofu scramble. Top with the maple tempeh bacon strips and, when your oven has done its "thang" (read: preheated), throw that pie in for 20 minutes.

Serve with coffee and good poems!

Orange Ginger Cookies with Fondant Weave

I'm sitting here at my desk, debating whether or not to indulge in a rant about the irony of patting myself on the back for making beautiful cookies for my younger brother's graduation, when I have yet to figure out when I am going to march down to that English office at WKU and say "HEY GUYS can I have a degree now please?" I hear that's all you have to do.

Well anyhow. My baby brother graduated from University of Tennessee this weekend and I am proud of him. If you ever hear someone scoff or roll their eyes and say something about how college these days is a joke and degrees are a dime a dozen, sock them in the balls and ask them how many books they've read. Because it's probably not many. Probably.

Anyhow, because I am sap for being festive, here we are. It's probably a good idea to prepare the fondant first, as that will take much more time than anything. But first, a quick rant on fondant.

Fondant is traditionally made with gelatin, which is obviously not vegan. Most vegan fondant recipes I've seen involve agar agar powder, glycerin or other silly (though surely helpful) ingredients. But I am mostly poor and lazy so this recipe will work in a pinch. It may be more greasy than others, but you can adjust your roll by adding more sugar if need be.

Fondant rant part II: this crap ain't easy, guys. Or not to me, at least. You need a good space, a clean surface and a lot of patience to decorate cookies or pastries so make sure to consider the outcome of your hard work. Sometimes you'll take these to a party where the drunk attendees will never remember your treats. Sometimes your co-workers will never see your cookies on the break table. So make sure to photograph them so that all your time and patience can at least launch you into Instafame.

Here's what you'll need:

1/4 C light corn syrup
1/4 C non-hydrogenated vegetable shortening
pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 C confectioner's sugar

You may need to adjust these as you go, so keep the sugar handy. So melt the shortening and mix with corn syrup, then add each other ingredient one at a time. When it's time to add the sugar, do so in small amounts, stirring until you have a stuff dough. At this point, you may work on it with your hands. Here's the point where you might get frustrated, even hopeless. Don't fret, just keep adding sugar! The thing I like to keep in mind when baking (because I am NOT a talented baker by any means), is that most people (particularly 22-year-old fraternity boys) really have limited knowledge as to the finer points of baking. So whatever you do, it's going to look impressive to SOMEONE. Surely. Right?

So. Roll it out, flatten it on your counter, and prepare to cut into strips, bowls, balls, arrows, hearts, bathing-suit-area body parts, mustaches, or what have you.

Let's get onto the cookies! These are pretty easy peasy, particularly after working with fondant. Gather yo shit:

2 C all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
3 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1 C raw sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup soy milk
1/2 C molasses
1/4 C canola oil

Preheat your oven to 350. Sift together your dry ingredients minus the sugar. In a separate bowl, mix together your wet ingredients and the sugar. Combine the two, and stir until mixed. When your dough is ready, roll into balls of your liking (balls of your liking!) and bake on a lightly greased cookie sheet for 12 minutes. Let cool before you decorate them, you dummy!

And go finish that degree!

Sweet and Spicy Chicken and Waffles

Sometimes, a girl's just gotta eat some chicken and waffles, is what I always say. This meal might just be the tastiest thing I've ever made, but it also might be the biggest cop-out of a recipe I've ever posted on here. The chicken cutlets are based largely on Isa Chandra's chickpea cutlet recipe, which can be found at the always fabulous Post Punk Kitchen blog. But the tweaks I have made involve relatively processed ingredients, so indulge at your own risk.

These suckers don't take a lot of time but they are somewhat ingredient intensive. I don't know about you guys but when I read "prep time: 15 minutes," that generally means "searching for not-often-used-spices, spilling them on the floor, looking through the fridge and get distracted by cleaning out whatever the smell is time: 35 minutes." So gather your things first, stay focused, and remember: chicken and waffles. We can do this.

Here's what you'll need for the chicken (again, largely ganked from the PPK):

1 (16oz) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/4 C olive oil
1 C vital wheat gluten
1 C breadcrumbs
1 Not Chicken bouillon cube dissolved in 1/2 C water (I used Edward on Sons, because sometimes they are on sale, you know, and they're not laced with anything horrific or scary)
1/4 C soy sauce
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp rubbed sage

Pulse chickpeas in a food processor (or mash them with a fork.. or your fingers... or your mind?) then transfer to a mixing bowl. Add everything else and kneed together with your hands. Once they get stretchy and stringy, cut the dough in half, then in half again, then in half again, until you are satisfied with the size of your cutlets.

Fry each of these in a skillet in a small amount of olive oil for just a few minutes, then set aside to cool.

Once completely cooled, it's time to bread and fry! Here's what you'll need:

2 C soy milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
breading - this can be flour and your choice of spices, but I just unapoligetically used Kentucky Colonel
non-hydrogenated vegetable shortening

First, curdle your soy milk with the apple cider vinegar until completely mixed, and let sit for a minute. Once curdled, dip each cutlet (one at a time, slow down!) into the milk, let drip, then bread in the flour or other breading you've chosen. Set aside and heat up enough shortening in a cast iron skillet to cover the bottom, and about, oh, I don't know, 1/3 an inch of the side of the skillet.

So fry those suckers for about 5 minutes on each side, or until golden brown.

The waffle recipe is indeed my own, and is gluten free, but that's for another day. If you need to, I mean while you're at it and everything, go ahead and slap these guys on top of some store-bought frozen waffles. You really aren't losing much of yourself in this case. I mean store-bought frozen waffles are bomb. Really.

But the kale on bottom is crucial - saute some kale in a little olive oil for a few minutes, then add chili garlic sauce and continue cooking for another minute or too.

Also the syrup here - which is clutch! - was maple syrup mixed with whole pomegranate arils. This MAKES the dish, don't leave it out!

And needless to say, this dish goes perfectly with a midday PBR and a few hours of My Best Friend's Wedding.

Thanksgiving Pizza

Ok, fine. It’s no longer week of Thankscooking. But I just now got around to uploading the belle of the ball this year, due in part to all the prep work that went into this dish. That, with all the traveling, may have stalled the imminent arrival of THANKSGIVING MEGA PIZZA.

That’s right, ladies. I give you Thanksgiving mega pizza. Rather than post a full recipe, I’ll just let you figure this one out on your own if you’re man enough. It was truly delicious and I am still rationing myself leftovers daily. Here’s what we have going on in this Thanksgiving Mega Pizza:

pizza dough from scratch (Isa’s recipe, found here)
orange pomegranate cranberry sauce - recipe found here
garlicky kale - chopped kale tossed in olive oil and garlic
thinly sliced sweet potatoes
rosemary mushroom seitan - recipe found here
roasted brocooli

Oh, yes ma’am. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

Now let the Christmas cooking begin!

Rosemary Mushroom Seitan Loaf

This is one of those will-not-be-so-interesting-because-my-computer-just-crashed-and-this-is-my-second-time-writing-this-and-I-am-frustrated-by-my-techonological-incompetency sort of posts. So I’ll skip the anecdote about my brother’s snarky comments regarding this rosemary mushroom seitan and move on.

If you’ve never made seitan before, it does take a certain about of practice to get the timing just right. If it comes out a little tough, make sure you don’t leave it sitting around forever if you’re planning on using it for, oh I don’t know, a MEGA THANKSGIVING PIZZA.

Here’s the spice mix you’ll need:
1 tsp salt
1.5 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp garlic powder
a dash of turmeric
1 tsp sage
1/2 tsp pepper
2 tsp rosemary

There’s your spice mix. Go ahead and mix it all together, then gather the rest of your ingredients:

2 tbl oliv oil
1/2 cup mushrooms, chopped
1 cup water
1 and 1/4 cup vital wheat gluten

Add the spice mix to the wheat gluten and mix well. Then stir in the mushrooms, and finally add the remaining wet ingredients. It won’t be long before your loaf takes shape, and that’s when you will remember that you’re out of aluminum foil. So get on your bicycle and ride to Kroger’s (pronounced KROD-jers), buy 75 feet of foil and come back home. Your loaf has been waiting patiently to be wrapped in literally hundreds of layers of foil.

Ok, hundreds of layers are not necessary. But you’ll definitely need copious amounts of foil here. Wrap that shit up like a Tootsie Roll. Including the part where you twist the sides. Literally like a Tootsie Roll. Like a giant vegan rosemary mushroom Tootsie Roll.

Now it’s time to steam. Steam your Tootsie Roll for 50 minutes. Then, bake at 350 for a half hour. Slice and serve cold on a sammich, or grill, or throw at your friends, or put on a MEGA THANKSGIVING PIZZA, or otherwise do anything with this loaf that you might do with meat.

Glazed Carrot Pizza with Cauliflower Punk Sauce

I could count on one hand the things I love more than cooking for touring punk bands. Actually, while I'm at it, I might as well.

thumb: my family
index: marching bands
middle: Pho Hoa Binh lunch buffet
ring: talking to Ira Glass on the telephone

See, and I still have the pinky left over!

My friend Cody, who often books house shows in this beautiful, zero-venue town, decided that this last house show would be pizza party themed. Really, pizza and punk rock, is there a better combination? So I brought this little ditty to the show, which was devoured quickly, alongside Domino's.

As always, I made the dough using Isa's recipe, which I have referenced here and here. The real belle of the ball here is the cauliflower punk sauce, which is savory and earthy and perfect next to the glazed carrots.

First prepare your crust. Then, in a food processor, pulse

1 1/2 cup chopped cauliflower
1 T minced garlic

Once finely ground, slowly add

1/2 C almond milk
1 tsp salt
1 T nutritional yeast

Leave in the processor until you're ready to use. Meanwhile, gather the rest of your sauce ingredients:

1/2 C minced onion
2 T olive oil
1/2 tsp marjoram
1/2 tsp basil
1/2 tsp oregano
1 tomato, diced
1/4 C water

Heat the onion in the olive oil and cook until translucent. Then add the spices and tomato, and cook on low another 2 minutes. Finally, add the water and bring heat to medium. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, then add the cauliflower mix from the food processor and reduce heat to simmer. Let simmer for 10 minutes.

Allow your sauce to cool before assembling your pizza. While it's chilling out, prepare your toppings:

1 C shredded carrots
1 T honey or agave, whatever you're into
1 C kale, or however your heart is feeling at the time. You might need more.

In a small pan over medium heat, saute the carrots in the honey/agave for about 5 minutes, then remove from heat. Meanwhile, chop your kale, and toss with a small amount of olive oil in a medium sized bowl - enough to coat all the kale with oil.

Once your toppings are prepared and your sauce is cooled, now's a good time to remember that you never preheated the oven. So go ahead and turn it up to 475 "or as hot as you dare," as Isa says, and go watch last week's episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Once your oven is ready and your pizza is assembled, pop that thing in for 20 minutes.

And go check out Child Bite, from Detroit. One of them is vegan! So... that a good reason for you to listen to their music, right?

Orange Glazed Tempeh Pizza with Roasted Red Peppers

As time goes on I am getting less intimidated by making pizza from scratch. A year ago, it was an endeavor that required a few days planning. But now they’re more like, I don’t know, I wouldn’t say a walk in the park, more like a critical essay on the ecological elements at play in an early Shakespearean comedy.

This pizza was a labor of love, but I threw it together in a few hours, on the occasion of phone banking with non-partisan statewide social justice grassroots organizationKentuckians for the Commonwealth, of which I am proud to be a member. 

Here’s what goes into this pie (i.e. - All the steps you’ll need to prepare, and probably in this order):

pizza dough
as mentioned below, check the links for Isa’a recipe

roasted red peppers
1 red bell pepper
1/2 tbl olive oil
sprinkle of sea salt

orange glazed tempeh
1/2 a package of tempeh
1/4 cup orange marmalade
1/4 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tbl balsamic vinegar
1 tbl coconut milk

basil cashew cream sauce
2/3 cup raw cashews
1/2 cup coconut milk
15 leaves of basil, chopped
1 cup chopped spinach
1 tbl minced garlic
1/4 tsp salt

toppings
handful of chopped mushrooms
1/2 a package of Daiya mozzarella shreds

Let’s start with the dough. I have, at times, indulged myself in undertaking Vegan Dad’s dough recipe to make a pizza. But I have found that Isa’s dough is a lot easier to digest (mentally I mean). If you don’t own Vegan With a Vengeance, I suggest getting right with the Lord and putting it on your Christmas list. It is a must.

The dough I use can be found in her book. Also, I’m sure it’s all over the internet by now, so look here or here or here for versions of it. She is a goddess.

First, prepare your dough.

Next, roast your red peppers. I used probably 1 full red bell pepper for this pizza. Cut them into slices, toss them in olive oil, sprinkle a little sea salt on top and roast them under the broiler for 5 minutes.

Next, start working on your tempeh. It’s best for the slices to soak for a bit before tossing them on your pizza, so you can do this while the peppers or roasting, or while the oven is preheating for the pizza. Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl. Cut tempeh into thin slices, then toss in your marmalade mixture. Let sit until you’re ready to top your pizza.

Once your peppers are done roasting, turn off the broiler and preheat your oven to 500. This crap needs to get hot. It’s time to prepare your sauce.

In a food processor, chop the raw cashews until fine, almost powdery. Add the basil, spinach, salt and garlic, and little bit of the coconut milk. Process until mixed. Add the rest of the coconut milk slowly, processing until the green in your sauce is rather uniform.

As soon as the oven is preheated, dress your pizza and stick her in. I’ve read countless blogs that preach about the necessity of a baking stone or what have you when baking a pizza, but listen - I am poor, so I used a cookie sheet. Ergo, my pizzas will always be rectangular. And they still taste fine.

So bake for — gosh this is the part where I forget how I made this and so I just make something up — 20 minutes? Enjoy with an amber ale!

Cheesy Topless Lasagna

I’m sure you’ve learned by now, being a consumer in 2012, that our lives are all about branding. Some of the smartest people in the world are working at Starbucks (um) because they don’t know how to brand themselves. But here I am to help! You’re welcome. This recipe is for Topless Creamy Vegetable Lasagna. I made it for my dear friend Jordan’s wedding, which included a potluck reception. (BRILLIANT. There was even vegan cheesecake there.)

This lasagna was a labor of love. It will have you doing dishes for days, so it might be best to stagger the preparation over a few days so as to not overwhelm you. It’s worth it though! I promise.

First I made the sauce and filling. Here’s what you’ll need:

some olive oil (duh)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 tbl finely minced garlic
1 cup chopped fresh basil
2.5 tbl flour
3 cups almond milk, soymilk or what have you
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 cup raw cashews
2 tbl nutritional yeast
1 tsp sea salt
1.5 cup chopped carrots
1.5 cup chopped mushrooms
1.5 cup chopped broccoli

In a medium saucepan, heat some olive oil. Add the onion and garlic, and sauté until translucent. (Is now a good time to whine about how often I find myself typing the phrase “sauté until translucent” or “cook until translucent”? Am I famous enough to coin the acronym SUT or CUT? I know those don’t flow off the tongue so much, but we’ll go with it until I find it irritating.)

So cook those suckers, then add the basil. Cook about 2 minutes or so. You need the basil to be wilted, but not too dark. Transfer this creamy goodness to a bowl, and set aside to cool.

Use that same saucepan (efficiency!), heat some more olive oil. Whisk in the flour and cook for about a minute. The flour should smell toasty. But don’t burn it, you silly goose! Add the coconut milk, then add the almond milk 1/4 a cup at a time, whisking constantly. The mixture should thicken, but if it doesn’t, don’t sweat it. This can happen later. Just relax. Add this mixture to the cooled (hopefully) basil mixture, and whisk it all together as one happy, dysfunctional basil family.

Meanwhile, while the sauce is cooling as much as it knows how, process the raw cashews in a food processor. (It will be loud. If your roommates are watching Duck Dynasty in the living room, apologize and bring them cocktails.) The cashews should be crumbly and fine, almost powdery. Refill your roommates’ glasses, and add the basil sauce, along with nutritional yeast and sea salt, and process for a minute or so. Until nice and creamy. AGAIN, if it’s not too creamy yet, it’s fine. Relax.

Add this sauce to that VERY SAME SAUCEPAN (#efficiency!) and return to heat. Add the chopped vegetables.

If you’re making the whole lasagna on the same day, now would be the time to simmer this vegetable sauce on LOW for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Otherwise, simmer for 15 minutes and you’re good to store the sauce for a later day.

Another part of this dish you can prepare beforehand is the tofu ricotta - the recipe for which I unapologetically ganked from Isa. It’s super simple. Here’s what you need:

1 package of well-pressed, firm or extra-firm tofu
2 tsp lemon juice
1 clove minced garlic
1/4 tsp salt
dash of black pepper
about ten leaves fresh basil
2 tsp olive oil
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

In a large bowl, mush up the tofu with your fingers, until it’s crumbly. Add the lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, and basil. Mush it all together real nice-like, with your hands, until it gets sort of ricotta-y. Add the olive oil, and stir with a fork. Add the nooch and mix it all up. This will hold in the fridge for about a week.

And now we get to lasagna day!

Yes! First and foremost, haul out your vegetable cream sauce and simmer on low for about 40 minutes. Make sure to stir on occasion.

Next, decide how many layers you want to put in your ‘sagna (check that slang I just coined). Boil enough lasagna pasta to fulfill your layer needs, for about 8-10 minutes depending on your pasta. Drain and rinse with cool water. Line the bottom of your casserole dish with the pasta, and preheat your oven to 325.

When your sauce is done simmering, it’s time to build your ‘sagna. I layered mine like this:

pasta
vegetable sauce
Daiya mozzarella shreds
pasta
ricotta

And so on and so forth. Now the Daiya shreds are a bit of a luxury, one that I would omit were I to be making this dish just for myself. BUT we ARE, after all, making topless lasagna. And thus we shall press on.

Cover the final layer of pasta with Daiya shreds. Bake at 325, covered, for 20 minutes. Then bake another 15 minutes, uncovered.

Here’s the important part! When it’s done baking, turn the broiler on high. Leave the lasagna under the broiler while you go dry your hair. Make sure to stage your roommates in the kitchen, to alert you when they see smoke coming from the oven.

Storm into the kitchen, visibly upset at the sight of your burnt creation, remove lasagna, DON’T CRY WHATEVER YOU DO, and let cool while you finish drying your hair, reminding yourself that this is exactly why you’ll never own a successful, famous vegan food cart in downtown Portland. You’ll always be a barista.

Wait! This part is important! Ten minutes later, remove the top layer and consider your time served. It’s still delicious.

Tofu Pot Pie

Whew! Tofu pot pie. This was a grand adventure. I am sad to report that one of the three pies I made fell on the oven door as soon as I removed it, but the other two were plenty tasty.

Pot pie is tricky business, and I’ve learned there are two different rhythms of veggies to prepare. They are as follows:
1. In a skillet, sauté onions and garlic in a gratuitous amount of margarine. Add tofu and sprinkle in a handful of flour. Add mushrooms and 1.5-2c soymilk and stir for 10 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, prepare the hardy veggies - boil anything like squash, taters, carrots or beans that need a little more cooking, for about 10 minutes. Drain and add to tofu mixture. Save a bit of water too, to add to the mix. If you want to add (canned) peas, do that last.

Once all cooked and good, let chill in the fridge.

Crust: I use Vegan Dad’s crust recipe, which is bomb but requires an extra step. He says freeze 1/2c margarine and 1/2c shortening for a half hour, then grate it into 2.5c flour (plus a pinch of salt). Gradually add tablespoons of ice water until you get a good dough.

Herb-Crusted Pumpkin Seitan with White Bean Sage Gravy

I have loved using the Vegan Month of Food as an excuse to spend more time cooking, so I figured I’d break my No Decadent Meals Back to Back rule to celebrate (and just in time for Vegan Pumpkin Share. Give me a job; I’m an efficient gal.)

I wanted to avoid something I’ve done a hundred times, but the colder temperatures mean harsher bike rides (and thanks, Sandy, for the gusts of wind) so I was wanting comfort food today. Pictured above are baked slices of herb-crusted pumpkin seitan loaf, covered in a white bean sage gravy, served with mashed sweet potatoes and French style green beans. All local veggies here thanks to those sweet little endearing progressive pockets of Bowling Green that make local veggies accessible. Who knew?

The sweet taters and green beans were divine and substantive enough, of course. But anyone who can figure out how to turn on a stove can probably figure those out without too much trepidation. Here’s a quick and dirty run-down of those bad boys:

Sweet taters

Ride your bicycle to the local farmer’s market. Pretend to be super hip on the ride there, and don’t let anyone know you’re secretly listening to Katy Perry in your headphones, because you are headed to the farmer’s market after all. Find you a nice and dirty sweet potato. Pay for it using food stamps. Keep these nestled in your homestead in a cool, dry place for up to a month - but make sure not to wash them until you’re ready to cook them. They keep much longer with all the earthy goodies stuck to their skin. When ready to cook, wash and skin your taters. Cube, dice, or otherwise chop into small pieces and toss into boiling water. Reduce heat after 5 minutes, then simmer for around 12 more minutes or however long it takes to get those suckers mushy. Drain and mash, then add the good stuff while still hot. For one potato, I added about 1T Earth Balance, 1T brown sugar, 1t cinnamon, and 1/2t maple syrup. Done!

Ok so maybe that was more unnecessarily rambling than “quick and dirty,” but we will strive for brevity on the green beans. Blanch those suckers for 3 minutes and then sauté them in a dollop of Earth Balance for another 2. Add minced garlic to your liking.

And now for the the main dish: baked pumpkin seitan. If you have never made homemade seitan before, don’t let it intimidate you. When that happens, they win. I like making seitan on a Sunday when I’m getting back on defense for the week, doing laundry or getting lost in a wikipedia hole, because it requires non-invasive, staggered attention and does take a minute to cook. But when it’s finished, it’s a nice thing to have ready in your fridge for the week, for those days when you wake up late for work and have to run out the door with shoes, bra and toothbrush in hand. (My favorite recipe for lunch-meat style seitan is from Vegan Dad, whose life constantly blows my mind.)

Now is a good time to mention, I suppose, that this recipe requires a good deal ofcooked, puréed pumpkin. I like to prepare mine as follows: scoop out pumpkin seeds and stringy stuff, then cube the pumpkin for boiling. Boil the pieces with the skin on, on medium for 20 minutes. Remove from heat, drain, and separate the pulp from the skin. Mash with a tater masher or dump into your food processor if you have a live-in housemaid who is willing to wash your processor parts before you need it again in a few minutes, or unless you recently got married and have unoriginal friends who all had the same gift idea.

Ok! Seitan time. Gather your ingredients and we can start. Here’s what you’ll need:

3/4C cooked, puréed pumpkin
2C vital wheat gluten
1/4C canola oil
1/4C soy milk
Spice mix: 2T cinnamon, 1T nutmeg, 1/2T ground cloves, 1t turmeric, 1/4t sage, 1/4t braggs, 1/4t onion powder.

Whisk together spice mixture in a big bowl. Add wet ingredients, then add wheat gluten and knead for a few minutes. Shape into a nice pretty (right?!) loaf and wrap generously in aluminum foil. Twist on the ends like a big ol’ tootsie roll and steam for 50 minutes. Make sure to keep adding water, which (apparently) evaporates over time and may lead to you having to purchase your roommate (who unfortunately has nicer taste than you) a new pot. Just saying.

After steaming, bake at 400 for 30 minutes. Voila!

Here is the fun part: Once that little ball of joy is done baking itself into chewy, dense goodness, remove the foil and slice into sweet little 1-inch disks. These can be stored in the fridge for a week. They also freeze quite well. But enough small talk! Now is the time to prepare for battering!

Ok. Let me back up a minute. While you were steaming and/or baking your seitan loaf might have been the best time to prepare for the battering. But seeing as though this seitain loaf could/should be prepared far in advance, I’ll let you adhere to whatever timeline you want. You’re welcome.

First you’ll need something to batter them in. In a food processor, process 1/2C cashews, 1/4C water, 1/4C almond milk and 1C cooked pumpkin. Add 1t cinnamon and 1/2t black pepper. Combine until mixed.

For the coating: combine 1C panko crumbs, 1/4C bread crumbs, 1/2C chopped almonds, 2T crushed bay leaves and 1T oregano.

Dip seitan slices in batter, then toss in crust mixture. Bake at 475 for 15 minutes.

While that mess is baking its little heart out prepare ze gravy. Sauté 1/4C of verrrrrry finely chopped mushrooms in olive oil for 5 minutes in a small saucepan. Meanwhile, in a food processor, process 1/2C cooked white beans with 1/2C almond milk. Add this mixture to the mushrooms. Cook on low, gradually adding sprinkles of flour (and more almond milk if needed) until you reach desired consistency. (You know what’s up.) Spice with 1/2t rubbed sage, salt and pepper to taste.

Cover patties with gravy shortly after removing them from the oven. Sit on the back porch and enjoy with a pumpkin spice cocktail (if you’re into that sort of novelty like myself), and listen to NPR talk about nothing but Sandy in the northeast for hours, enjoying the Bowling Green sunshine.