Smoky Midnight Mac

I know the title of this entry may feel misleading, but this post will in no way involve any scandalous stories about strip clubs or biker bars. At least none that I have planned.

Y'all I gotta say that I LOVE mac 'n' cheese. Macncheese? Man and cheese. Mac n' cheese? Mac n cheese. There are too many terrible ways to spell that and none of them look right. Point is, I love mac n cheese. I used to make the blue box on the daily when I was living at home. I remember having to write an instructional how-to essay for Mrs. Horne in 7th grade, and I of course neglected this elementary assignment on the grounds that I had more important things to do, like jump on the trampoline or read Harry Potter. So the next day in homeroom I whipped out this excellent essay on how to make mac n cheese - FROM MEMORY. Prophetic?

Actually. Considering how often I throw together (hopefully accurate) recipes for my blog from memory, I'd say that particular memory is creepily prophetic.

God I love mac n cheese. Ok let's get started with this one, because it's lovely and simple and delicious, Here's what you'll need (serves 2):

a normal amount of pasta

2 veggie dogs, sliced lengthwise

1.5 Cup chopped kale

1 Tbl olive oil

1 Tbl smoked paprika

1 tsp chili powder

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp sea salt

2 tsp turmeric

1/2 Cup nutritional yeast flakes

1 Cup soy creamer

1/2 Cup almond milk

Begin with preparing your pasta, because your sauce will be done by the time it's finished. 

In a small skillet, toss your sliced veggie dogs in olive oil in medium-high heat until a little crispy. Set aside.

In a sauce pot, heat the olive oil over medium for a half a minute, then toss in your kale. Saute on medium for about 2-3 minutes, or until totally wilted. Add the paprika, chili powder, salt and pepper, turmeric and nutritional yeast and stir until incorporated. Slowly add the creamer, then top off with some almond milk. Whisk until fully mixed. Chop your crispy veggie dogs and toss these into the mix. Toss with pasta and BOOM.

Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffins and ALSO VEGAN MOFO KICKOFF

Ladies, it's here. The month I always look forward to each year, in my long and storied history of veganism.

Which is nearing two years by the way, so I will now confess to you that only last year I discovered VeganMofo's existence, and THIS year I decided to participate. I figured blogging every day for a month wouldn't be too difficult but clearly I have already blown it by failing to post on the very first day. #theveryfirstday

So getting off to a great start. What is Vegan Mofo, you may ask? Is the the scary-looking, pleather-jacket-wearing biker dude with face tattoos at your neighborhood bar who will slash your tires for eating fried chicken? The name of Isa Chandra's pet bulldog? The newest vegan video game where you ninja-style destroy the owners of confined animal feeding operations and set free herds of cattle into the streets of southside Chicago?

Sorry, those are all good guesses, internet, but Vegan Mofo is the month of the year when we all come together as a vegan blogging community and celebrate our commitment to the lifestyle, our good jokes, our recipes and stories, our collective sass and our individual struggles. Like WHAT IN HELL in an OPML file?

Check out more at VeganMofo.com, where you can get a complete list of all the participating blogs and stare at cool vegetable cartoons and get altogether lost in a world of vegan internetness.

SO let me "start off" by apologizing for the run-on nature of this post. I haven't even started the real recipe yet but I've already started to notice. I attribute this completely to my recent massive intake of John Green videos. He's the sort of person whose vlog style is all about talking and talking and talking and occasionally switching viewpoints but never speeds, really, which I find incredibly endearing and thus I have subconsciously taken up certain mannerisms of his. As you can see.

In a related note, if you aren't familiar with the Vlog Brothers, here's a thing that could possibly change your world.

Speaking of changing your world, on to the McMuffin.

At first I thought that I wouldn't really call this a "recipe post" so much as a "post where there's a pretty picture and I show you how to make a sandwich." But then I decided that the eggish tofu was a big win for me, and let's face it not everyone "knows" how to "make a sandwich."

Also it's worth noting that I enjoyed this sandwich so much that I stole my brunch companion's half-finished sandwich when he was in the bathroom and finished it in 20 seconds.

Here's the stuff to get for this fantastic hangover companion:

English muffins (ALERT. I know we're all adults and we are pretty good at checking labels and reading ingredients, but be aware that English muffins are rarely vegan. It's strange, I know, but most contain whey at the very least.)
a tomato, sliced
cheese  (I used Daiya havarti-style wedge, sliced. Literally yum.)
1/4 block extra firm, pressed tofu
1/4 Cup soy creamer
1/4 Cup nutritional yeast flakes
1 tsp turmeric
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 pack of sausage (I used gimme lean)
2 Tbl pure maple syrup
1 tsp red pepper flakes

See how easy that list is? Nothing scary and foreign, just mostly some good old grocery store corporate vegan food. :)

The assembly is fairly straightforward, right? You've got your cheese. You've got your tomato. The tofu is supposed to be the quote "egg" part and the maple sausage part is, well, the sausage part. Let's talk about the tofu.

First, slice your tofu pretty thin. Next, in a small bowl, whisk together the creamer, nutritional yeast and turmeric. Salt and pepper to taste. Prepare a small skillet with a dabble of vegetable oil, and heat on medium high. Dip your tofu slices in the creamy nooch mixture, then fry on medium high until golden brownish on each side. Voila egg life.

The sausage is easy too. Using your fingers, mash together the maple syrup and pepper flakes with the sausage. Pat these into patties and pan fry like you're supposed to. Like.. medium? In a skillet?

There you have it. Now crack open a PBR and let's get this crazy party month started!!

Philly Cheesesteak Rollups

Sometimes you just want comfort food and you don't want to spend an hour making it. These cheesy, meaty, mushroom yrolls are super delicious, take 20 minutes and totally fill that "I'm slightly hungover and have been doing yard work all morning and all I need is something greasy and filling to pair with this hair-of-the-dog" craving. We all feel it. Don't lie.

Like, have you ever wanted to make taquitos, but needed something a little more... thick? And also you were out of tortillas? Me too, sister. Grab this stuff! It's easy! [Serves 2]

(Also might now be a good time to mention that these taste AWESOME)

7 or 8 slices of bread (it doesn't matter what kind... I used whole wheat?)

a little bit of olive oil for grilling

one package of Daiya mozzarella style cheese

half a pound of store-bought seitan, sliced

5 white mushrooms, diced

1/4 green bell pepper, minced

1 Tbl Braggs liquid aminos 

First, prepare the bread. Cut the crust off the slices (you can save these for croutons!) Using a rolling pin or a relatively flat glass, roll out the bread until they are as thin and flat as you can make them. Set these aside.

In a small pan, heat one tablespoon of olive oil on medium low heat. After about one minute, increase the heat to medium-high and toss in the peppers. Stir for about one minute, then add the mushrooms. Cook for about 2 more minutes, stirring frequently. Remove from heat and place in a bowl to cool.

Return that same pan to heat and add the Braggs liquid aminos. Swirl it around the pan a time or two and add the sliced seitan. Stir fry on medium-high heat for about 2 or 3 minutes. (This might be a good time to prepare the dipping sauce. See below for the recipe!)

Once the seitan is finished, remove from heat and set aside. Now it's time to assemble!

First, grab a big pan and heat some olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium heat. One by one, lay out the slices of flattened bread. Spread mozzarella cheese across the slice. Carefully pile the mushroom and pepper mix near the back of the bread. Lay two or three seitan slices across the mushrooms and peppers. Delicately roll the bread up, making sure all the good stuff stays in. This can be tricky, but remember - you are an artist.

Once you roll one up, place it fold-down on the heated pan. Grill for a couple minutes, then flip over and finish the other side. You'll know when they are finished if you've ever been to Taco Bell.

Here's the recipe for the sauce (www.thebomb.com)

1/3 Cup non-dairy sour cream

2 Tbl chili garlic sauce

1 Tbl hot sauce

garnish with black pepper

Hell yeah!

Curry Chickpeas and Pan-Fried Teriyaki Turkey with Spicy Almond Tahini Sauce

You may have heard by now that I only purchase faux meat products when they are on manager's special at Kroger, throw them in the freezer and save them for a rainy day [read: a long-ass 3 PBR day]. This particular long-ass 3 PBR day was an emotionally heartwrenching one (likely involving my poor dying toenail or the ghosts that haunt my 130-year-old home or purchasing a non-ripe avocado or something of comparable heartache) and I wanted comfort food.

If you are looking for a different way to prepare any faux deli slices you have lying around the house, this is a good way to dress up that turkey for a night on the town. Totally appropriate for any fancy-ass dinner party complete with candles and cut-off jeans and the like.

First prepare the chickpeas.

Here's the stuffs (serves two, because, date night):

1 1/2 cup canned chickpeas
1 Tbl curry powder
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 Tbl extra virgin olive oil

Preheat your oven to 400. In a small bowl, whisk together the dry spices. In a separate, medium-sized bowl, toss your chickpeas with the olive oil to evenly coat them. Then add the spice mixture and toss everything around similar to a 15-year-old Meredith at her first MXPX show. Make sure everything is evenly coated.

Toss your chickpeas into a shallow baking pan and throw them in the oven, uncovered, once it is thoroughly heated. These will need to roast for 35 minutes, so let's get to work on your other elements.

Now is a good time to start on the sauce. Have we talked lately about how the key to any great dish is an exceptional sauce? No? Well, the thing is, anyone can prepare a pan-fried meat slices or baked polenta or crab cakes or spring rolls or what have you, but the sauce is the glue. Many dishes are nothing without it. So pay attention! Gather your sauce ingredients:

1 Cup raw, unsalted almonds
1/4 Cup water
1/2 Cup tahini
1 Tbl chili garlic sauce
1 tsp Frank's Red Hot or Louisiana or your hot sauce of choice*
1 tsp sea salt

*As a declared Kentuckian and loyal PBR drinker with two missing teeth and a busted up front bumper, I take pride in my dedication to Frank's Red Hot (or the occasional Texas Pete) as my redneck hot sauce of choice.

In a food processor, chop up the almond until they are crumbly. Do you know what I mean by "crumbly"? Good. We are all adults here. Once they are crumbly, slowly add the 1/4 cup of water and blend until evenly mixed. It should be rather creamy at this point, but if not, don't panic, we will get to this later.

Next, add the remainder of your ingredients and process until evenly mixed. If the sauce is too thick for your liking, add more water one tablespoon at a time until it is perfect.

This can be served as it, but it will make the cohesive dish temperature a little wonky, so I suggest heating it in a small saucepan on low heat, stirring occasionally, until your dish is pulled together and ready for plating.

Now let's get to the turkey! First, cut up your rounded slabs of faux turkey deli slices (however many you feel will feed two people - I used 6 or 7 slices I think) into strips. Now let's prepare the stir-fry sauce. Here's what you'll need:

1 Tbl Braggs liquid aminos
2 Tbl teriyaki sauce
2 tsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp olive oil

Whisk together all ingredients in a small bowl. Easy! Now, find yourself a non-stick skillet and heat your teriyaki sauce in it over medium-high heat. Wait about a half a minute for it to heat thoroughly and then throw your slices in there about 4 or 5 at a time. These should begin to fry rather quickly on a higher heat, so stir constantly. When the edges are black or charred, remove from heat and set aside to assemble your dish.

By now, your chickpeas should be finished. Remove those from the oven. It's time to plate! My favorite time of day!

Lay your almond tahini sauce as a base. Then dump a pile of chickpeas in the center of the puddle. Lay strips of turkey across the top of the chickpea mound. Garnish with sesame seeds. Ta-da!

Just a Reminder That We are Allowed to Eat Whatever We Want

Just because you are vegan doesn't mean you can't miss out on Cheesy Kale Hot Dog Sammich Time.

Just a reminder. And a poem (that's not really a poem at all but actually just an excerpt from "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek" by the beautiful Annie Dillard) to commemorate.

Thomas Merton wrote, "there is always temptation to diddle around in the contemplative life, making itsy-bitsy statues." There is always an enormous temptation in all of life to diddle around by making itsy-bitsy friends and meals and journeys for years on end. It is all so self-conscious, so apparently moral, to step aside from the gaps where the creeks and the winds pour down, saying, I never merited this grace, quite rightly, and then to sulk along the rest of your days on the edge of rage.

I won't have it. The world is wilder than that in all directions, more dangerous and bitter, more extravagant and bright. We are making hay when we should be making whoopee; we are raising tomatoes when we should be raising Cain, or Lazarus.

...served with sweet and spicy brown mustard. Duh :)

This is the Greatest Sandwich in the World

I don't like to post things that don't seem too original, or tutorials for how to throw together processed food, because we are all adults here (right? babies can't read?). But someone on IG specifically said "OH THIS NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR BLOG" when I posted it the other day.

And I will concede. Simply because it is the greatest sammich I think I've ever constructed. Here, let me say more about that:

As you may or may not have heard me whining about recently, I just started serving corporate meat and other various deep-fried sundries to the masses of Bowling Green and the greater I-65 area, which deprives me of sleep time and cooking time, to say nothing of the daily ethical limbo I two-step around. Serving life is silly and romantic and difficult and I'm not convinced yet whether or not it's worth it for now, but suffice it to say that I have been cooking less hour-and-a-half long dishes, and exploring instead the sammich world.

So this was birthed out of a 16-hour, stiffed-twice, grab-a-beer-as-soon-as-you-get-home work day. It's simple enough but turned into the Greatest Sammich in the World, as you can clearly read from the post title. It is champagne dijon mustard, sauteed mushrooms and broccoli (with Braggs and nooch), pan-fried veggie dogs, and more champagne dijon mustard, all on Ezekiel sprouted bread.

I don't like to keep meat alternatives around, because a) they tend to be highly processed and b) they don't exactly promote a healthy lifestyle. But sometimes, Manager's Special, you know? Plus you can never tell when a hungry gaggle of touring punk bands will roll through your town. So I buy 'em on clearance and give them a home in the freezer.

More to come, on rare days off.

Speaking of days off - have you watched John Green's last Crash Course in World History episode of all time yet? Globalization - Good or Bad? Check it out.

Rosemary Mushroom Seitan Loaf

This is one of those will-not-be-so-interesting-because-my-computer-just-crashed-and-this-is-my-second-time-writing-this-and-I-am-frustrated-by-my-techonological-incompetency sort of posts. So I’ll skip the anecdote about my brother’s snarky comments regarding this rosemary mushroom seitan and move on.

If you’ve never made seitan before, it does take a certain about of practice to get the timing just right. If it comes out a little tough, make sure you don’t leave it sitting around forever if you’re planning on using it for, oh I don’t know, a MEGA THANKSGIVING PIZZA.

Here’s the spice mix you’ll need:
1 tsp salt
1.5 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp garlic powder
a dash of turmeric
1 tsp sage
1/2 tsp pepper
2 tsp rosemary

There’s your spice mix. Go ahead and mix it all together, then gather the rest of your ingredients:

2 tbl oliv oil
1/2 cup mushrooms, chopped
1 cup water
1 and 1/4 cup vital wheat gluten

Add the spice mix to the wheat gluten and mix well. Then stir in the mushrooms, and finally add the remaining wet ingredients. It won’t be long before your loaf takes shape, and that’s when you will remember that you’re out of aluminum foil. So get on your bicycle and ride to Kroger’s (pronounced KROD-jers), buy 75 feet of foil and come back home. Your loaf has been waiting patiently to be wrapped in literally hundreds of layers of foil.

Ok, hundreds of layers are not necessary. But you’ll definitely need copious amounts of foil here. Wrap that shit up like a Tootsie Roll. Including the part where you twist the sides. Literally like a Tootsie Roll. Like a giant vegan rosemary mushroom Tootsie Roll.

Now it’s time to steam. Steam your Tootsie Roll for 50 minutes. Then, bake at 350 for a half hour. Slice and serve cold on a sammich, or grill, or throw at your friends, or put on a MEGA THANKSGIVING PIZZA, or otherwise do anything with this loaf that you might do with meat.