Curry Chickpeas and Pan-Fried Teriyaki Turkey with Spicy Almond Tahini Sauce

You may have heard by now that I only purchase faux meat products when they are on manager's special at Kroger, throw them in the freezer and save them for a rainy day [read: a long-ass 3 PBR day]. This particular long-ass 3 PBR day was an emotionally heartwrenching one (likely involving my poor dying toenail or the ghosts that haunt my 130-year-old home or purchasing a non-ripe avocado or something of comparable heartache) and I wanted comfort food.

If you are looking for a different way to prepare any faux deli slices you have lying around the house, this is a good way to dress up that turkey for a night on the town. Totally appropriate for any fancy-ass dinner party complete with candles and cut-off jeans and the like.

First prepare the chickpeas.

Here's the stuffs (serves two, because, date night):

1 1/2 cup canned chickpeas
1 Tbl curry powder
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 Tbl extra virgin olive oil

Preheat your oven to 400. In a small bowl, whisk together the dry spices. In a separate, medium-sized bowl, toss your chickpeas with the olive oil to evenly coat them. Then add the spice mixture and toss everything around similar to a 15-year-old Meredith at her first MXPX show. Make sure everything is evenly coated.

Toss your chickpeas into a shallow baking pan and throw them in the oven, uncovered, once it is thoroughly heated. These will need to roast for 35 minutes, so let's get to work on your other elements.

Now is a good time to start on the sauce. Have we talked lately about how the key to any great dish is an exceptional sauce? No? Well, the thing is, anyone can prepare a pan-fried meat slices or baked polenta or crab cakes or spring rolls or what have you, but the sauce is the glue. Many dishes are nothing without it. So pay attention! Gather your sauce ingredients:

1 Cup raw, unsalted almonds
1/4 Cup water
1/2 Cup tahini
1 Tbl chili garlic sauce
1 tsp Frank's Red Hot or Louisiana or your hot sauce of choice*
1 tsp sea salt

*As a declared Kentuckian and loyal PBR drinker with two missing teeth and a busted up front bumper, I take pride in my dedication to Frank's Red Hot (or the occasional Texas Pete) as my redneck hot sauce of choice.

In a food processor, chop up the almond until they are crumbly. Do you know what I mean by "crumbly"? Good. We are all adults here. Once they are crumbly, slowly add the 1/4 cup of water and blend until evenly mixed. It should be rather creamy at this point, but if not, don't panic, we will get to this later.

Next, add the remainder of your ingredients and process until evenly mixed. If the sauce is too thick for your liking, add more water one tablespoon at a time until it is perfect.

This can be served as it, but it will make the cohesive dish temperature a little wonky, so I suggest heating it in a small saucepan on low heat, stirring occasionally, until your dish is pulled together and ready for plating.

Now let's get to the turkey! First, cut up your rounded slabs of faux turkey deli slices (however many you feel will feed two people - I used 6 or 7 slices I think) into strips. Now let's prepare the stir-fry sauce. Here's what you'll need:

1 Tbl Braggs liquid aminos
2 Tbl teriyaki sauce
2 tsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp olive oil

Whisk together all ingredients in a small bowl. Easy! Now, find yourself a non-stick skillet and heat your teriyaki sauce in it over medium-high heat. Wait about a half a minute for it to heat thoroughly and then throw your slices in there about 4 or 5 at a time. These should begin to fry rather quickly on a higher heat, so stir constantly. When the edges are black or charred, remove from heat and set aside to assemble your dish.

By now, your chickpeas should be finished. Remove those from the oven. It's time to plate! My favorite time of day!

Lay your almond tahini sauce as a base. Then dump a pile of chickpeas in the center of the puddle. Lay strips of turkey across the top of the chickpea mound. Garnish with sesame seeds. Ta-da!

Roasted Parsnips with Candied Pepitas in Spicy Tahini Sauce

I had no idea what this was going to be, but I was so, so satisfied with what came out.

(thatswhatshesaid?)

Sorry. Anyway. I've had these parsnips hanging around like a newly divorced uncle for too long, so I knew I had to dress them up for a night on the town to meet some new friends. This was a rather silly endeavor, as these look rather fancy but the whole meal took less than a half-hour to prepare. Easy peasy! Uncle Bob's got a date, ladies!

First, roast your parsnips - this will take the longest time. Preheat your oven to 350 and melt about 2T of coconut oil. Slice the parsnips and toss in a small bowl with the coconut oil to completely coat them. Then place these in a roasting pan and throw them in the oven for about 10 minutes.

Next, prepare your rice. I used forbidden rice here, which has an marginally exotic taste and add color to any dish. I love forbidden rice, and it has just as much fiber as brown rice. ALSO IT'S BLACK. Mildly interesting, yes? So go ahead and boil that, covered, with 2 parts water to 1 part rice.

Now's a good time to mention - after the first ten minutes of roasting your parsnips, remove them from the oven, given them a good toss (wink), and stick them back in the oven for another ten minutes. Now let's get to the sauce. Here's what you'll need:

2 T tahini
1/4 C water
1 tsp miso paste
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 T Braggs liquid aminos
1 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 T apple cider vinegar
1 T garlic chili sauce

This is a pretty easily-constructed sauce - over medium-low heat, add each ingredient one at a time, mixing each one until fully combined. Once fully mixed, keep on a simmer until the rest of your meal is ready.

If your parsnips, rice and sauce are ready, go ahead and prepare your pepitas. In a shallow bowl, mix a handful of pepitas (now is maybe a good time to mention that pepitas are just another name for pumpkin seeds - glad we had this discussion) with a couple of drops of pure maple syrup - just enough to fully coat each seed. Pour them into a roasting tin an broil for about 3 or 4 minutes.

This should absolutely be the last step, as the pepitas will stay in whatever the hell place you shape them too, once cooled. So plate your sauce, rice, and parsnips before removing the pepitas from the oven. Spoon them directly from the pan to the dish, where they will (soon, I promise) cool into a precious little pumpkin seed pile. How sweet.

Someone give me a treat for all the awful puns and innuendos today?