Thai Corn Cakes

Sleep-in brunch is getting to be a thing of unique opportunity - most mornings I'm at Starbucks at 4:30 and the days I have off I'm usually too tired to whip up something bigger than toast. I'm not complaining because I LOVE toast. Cinnamon sugar toast slathered in Earth Balance may be the Scottie Pippin of our time, if you know what I mean.

Another by-product of the 60-hour work week, unfortunately, is spoiled produce. I can be such a visionary at the grocery store but then by Friday I somehow end up with two (two?!) mangoes tip-toeing precariously close to that cliff of over-ripeness. Ergo - thai corn cakes! These were delicious and not so difficult to throw together. I whipped up a sweet peanut sauce for dipping, but it's not totally necessary. They can definitely be served on their own even to a sweet tooth.

1 cup cornmeal
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup coconut powder or coconut flakes
3 Tbl brown sugar
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 ripe mango, pureed
2 egg replacers (I use Ener-G Egg Replacer - but a very ripe banana would be delicious here as well)
1 cup almond milk or soymilk

Mix all your dry ingredients together, then add the wet ingredients. Drop about 1/4 cup of batter at a time in a hot skillet (make certain it is HOT before you drop these bad boys in!) greased lightly with Earth Balance or olive oil. Fry until golden brown.

Here is the recipe for sweet peanut sauce, which is just a bomb addition to any meal, though as I said earlier, not totally necessary for these:

1/2 ripe banana
1/4 cup all natural peanut butter, crunchy
1 Tbl pure maple syrup

Mash the banana until it's creamy and gooey and almost like a soup, then add the PB and maple syrup. Voila!

Cheesy Broccoli Pi with Chili Lime Tofu in Herbed Crust

It's Pi Day, Pi Day, gotta get down on Pi Day. This pi was a labor of love but so, so very worth it. So hunker down and drink some water and pay attention. I'll try to sprinkle a few jokes here and there to keep your attention but I can't promise they'll be gold medallion status because this one is a doozy.


First! Let's marinate some tofu! In order to get the tofu fully marinated, take care of this the night before (March 13, naturally). Here's what you'll need:

One package of well-pressed tofu
Juice from 2 limes
2 Tbl chili garlic sauce
1 tsp brown sugar
2 Tbl soy sauce

Whisk your marinade together in a small bowl. Slice the tofu into cubes and place in a shallow casserole dish. Pour the marinade over your tofu, cover with plastic wrap and place in the fridge overnight.


Next, and most importantly, prepare the crust the day you'll need it (March 14, naturally). Here's what you'll need for two full pie crusts:

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 Tbl sugar
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
2/3 cup shortening
1/2 cup cold water, plus more as needed
4 tsp apple cider vinegar
4 Tbl thyme
4 Tbl basil

First I should point out that this crust recipe is almost an exact replica of the one provided by Isa Chandra in her book Veganomicon, a MUST for anyone even remotely interested in vegan cooking. I see no reason to "improve upon" her recipes, but experimenting with a few tweeks is always encouraged.

The secret to pi crust is keep everything as cold as possible. Vegan Dad even suggests freezing your shortening, then cutting it in as it slowly thaws.

In a large mixing bowl, mix together your dry ingredients. Gradually cut in the shortening bit by bit and mash into the flour with your fingers. Once you're finished, the mixture should be crumbly, pebbly and moist. Next, combine the vinegar and water and slowly add this to the dough. I add this mixture to the dough in a couple small batches, mixing the dough until it pinches together. If you need to, add a little more water until the dough holds.

Gather your dough and gently kneed it just a few times, until it holds together. Sprinkle a clean surface with flour and roll your dough out flat on it, then cover with plastic wrap and place in the fridge until you are ready to use it.

And since you're waiting on your crust to sit and gel, I know I promised some free jokes but I'd rather give you an Onion snippet than scrape the dredges of my own reservoir:

It's one of my favorites.

Now go search The Onion for all things Tim Duncan.

Now it's time to prepare the filling! Gather all yo shit and let's get choppin:

3 cloves minced garlic
Roughly 10 medium sized mushrooms or 1 Cup chopped mushrooms
1 Cup chopped broccoli
1 Tbl olive oil
1 tsp salt
1/4 Cup Braggs liquid aminos
1 Cup nutritional yeast
1/4 Cup almond milk (or your preferred nondairy milk of choice)
2 Tbl flour
splashes of water as needed

Heat a large pan on medium, then add the olive oil and heat it until you can see the currents (roughly half a minute). Add the garlic and cook it for about a minute - just long enough to release the aromas but not long enough to overcook it. Next, add your broccoli and cook for about 5 minutes. Then add the Braggs, salt, and mushrooms and cook an additional 3 minutes, stirring regularly. Next, gradually add the nutritional yeast a few tablespoons at a time, and stir to evenly coat the veggies. Then slowly add the almond milk and stir.

Here is where you'll need to monitor your mix and make sure it thickens properly. As it cooks, stir continually and gradually add the water/flour based on how thick you want it. Do this for about 5 minutes, uncovered, then remove from heat.

Oh here is the part where you have forgotten to preheat your oven, so go ahead and heat your oven to 350 while you prepare your pi crust.

Now let's build the pi! Take your crust out of the fridge and slice it in half. Roll out both halves on a clean, flour-dusted surface. Press one half into a pi dish to prepare the outer crust, and set aside the other half for the top.

Lay out the marinated tofu on the bottom of the pi crust to build your bottom layer. Next, pour your mushroom/broccoli mix over the tofu, then lay the remaining crust over the top. And obviously here is where you can feel free to design your Pi Day crust as you see fit. Brush with melted Earth Balance and bake for 45-55 minutes, or until the crust is golden and the filling is bubbling.

As always, thanks to sous-chef Travis for going the extra mile to model this pi!

Happy Pi Day!

This is the Greatest Sandwich in the World

I don't like to post things that don't seem too original, or tutorials for how to throw together processed food, because we are all adults here (right? babies can't read?). But someone on IG specifically said "OH THIS NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR BLOG" when I posted it the other day.

And I will concede. Simply because it is the greatest sammich I think I've ever constructed. Here, let me say more about that:

As you may or may not have heard me whining about recently, I just started serving corporate meat and other various deep-fried sundries to the masses of Bowling Green and the greater I-65 area, which deprives me of sleep time and cooking time, to say nothing of the daily ethical limbo I two-step around. Serving life is silly and romantic and difficult and I'm not convinced yet whether or not it's worth it for now, but suffice it to say that I have been cooking less hour-and-a-half long dishes, and exploring instead the sammich world.

So this was birthed out of a 16-hour, stiffed-twice, grab-a-beer-as-soon-as-you-get-home work day. It's simple enough but turned into the Greatest Sammich in the World, as you can clearly read from the post title. It is champagne dijon mustard, sauteed mushrooms and broccoli (with Braggs and nooch), pan-fried veggie dogs, and more champagne dijon mustard, all on Ezekiel sprouted bread.

I don't like to keep meat alternatives around, because a) they tend to be highly processed and b) they don't exactly promote a healthy lifestyle. But sometimes, Manager's Special, you know? Plus you can never tell when a hungry gaggle of touring punk bands will roll through your town. So I buy 'em on clearance and give them a home in the freezer.

More to come, on rare days off.

Speaking of days off - have you watched John Green's last Crash Course in World History episode of all time yet? Globalization - Good or Bad? Check it out.

Cauliflower Mushroom Pasta with Roasted Brussels Sprouts

I have been mega into Brussels sprouts lately, which is a novel thing for me because I have never been able to claim being "really into" Brussels sprouts before. But they are super simple and SO CUTE! Right?

This pasta hit the spot for a carb-loading long run day for me. It was the product of me needing to get rid of some cauliflower (which is a GREAT problem to have - cauliflower is so versatile and fabulous!), but it turned out great so I think I'll keep it around.

For starters, here's a short tutorial on roasting Brussels sprouts. I guess everyone does it differently, but here's how I prepared them for this dish (and also, how I normally prepare them unless I'm really trying to avoid oil and fat but WHY would I ever do that????).

First, preheat your oven to 400, and go ahead and stick a cast iron skillet in there to warm up with your oven. It's always best to heat your skillet with your oven when roasting, to better balance your temperature dynamics. Next, slice your sweet little sprouts in half, lengthwise, so you can see all those crazy layers that just look so darling and aesthetically satisfying. Once your oven is heated, lay those sprouts face down in your skillet, along with a teeny bit of olive oil -- just enough to coat the bottom of the pan.

Let these roast for 20 minutes, then remove them from the oven -- MAKE SURE to use an oven mitt, even if someone comes into the kitchen and distracts you with lovely conversation of poetry and beer and good things. Even if this person is good looking, they will not change the fact that this pan is HOT, and you will have a burn mark on your palm for weeks at least. Be careful.

So remove the pan and drop a dollop of Earth Balance onto the side of the pan. It will melt and run around the base of the pan, and make your sprouts hella good. Then season with salt and pepper, and return to the oven for another 20 minutes.

So let's get to the sauce. This sauce is hella easy and relatively simple. Here's what you'll need:

1 cup chopped mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped cauliflower
1 T coconut oil
2 T Braggs
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp cumin

So throw those mushrooms and cauliflowerz into a hot skillet, and cook with the coconut oil over medium for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Then add the Braggs and spices and cook another 2 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool.

Once your shrooms and etc aren't so steamy, throw it all into a food processor and puree until creamy. Return to a pot for a quick heat-up once you have pasta ready. By this time, your sprouts should be nice and toasty and VOILA, you have an awesome post-workout [or mid-hangover] lunch!

Strawberry Glazed Cashews

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

By that I of course mean, "Oh look, it's Valentine's Day, so that means I have an excuse to make sweet treats for my friends. I mean my co-workers. Oh hell they're all the same people."

There are currently 23 other baristas employed at my sweet little Starbucks, and because each one of them is a precious soul who I never ever gossip about or get frustrated with, I wanted to make each person feel special and loved on this day of days. This glorious holiday that we look forward to each year. So I bought some Power Rangers valentines and decided to seal the deal with these goodie bags filled with dark chocolate and strawberry glazed cashews.

These are relatively simple, provided you have the patience for them to dry. Here's what you'll need for a smaller serving of about a dozen:

3 cups cashews (these can be raw/unsalted if you're feeling rather healthy. I think they may come out better if they are. I only could afford the salted kind)

1 cup chopped strawberries

1/2 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla

First, toast the cashews at 250 for about 20 minutes, then give them a good toss and stick them back in for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, throw your strawberries in a food processor, and process until pureed. Heat your strawberries in a large pot on medium low, mixing in the sugar and vanilla and stirring every few minutes. Once you're sure the cashews are well toasted, stir them into the strawberry mix. 

Heat these juts a few minutes. More competent cooks will take this opportunity to rant about candy thermometers and the importance of maintaining a controlled temperature, but as you might guess, I have no clue as to these sorts of things. Just eyeball it, you know? Until everything is heated and sticky and goopy and delicious-looking.

Then remove these from heat and stick them back in the oven at 350 for about a half hour. Remove and let cool, for like, a while. I threw mine on parchment paper, and spread them out evenly so that each cashew has a little space to chill. If there are spaces and clumps that are too gloopy, get rid of some of that strawberry gloop. This will make them really hard to cool.

I let mine cool for a day, but I'm sure there's a better way to do this. Dehydrator? Living in Tempe, Arizona? Hair dryer? Different recipe? No clue. 

So happy Valentine's Day to all! I leave you with a love poem from one of my favorite writers:

What Love Does

Billy Collins

A fine thing, or so it sounds

on the radio in the summer

with all the windows rolled down.

Yet it pierces not only the heart

but the eyeball and the scrotum

and the little target of the nipple with arrows.

It turns everything into a symbol

like a storm that breaks loose

in the final chapter of a long novel.

And it may add sparkle to a morning,

or deepen a night

when the bed is ringed with fire.

It teaches you new joys 

and new maneuvers --

the takedown, the reversal, the escape.

But mostly it comes and goes,

a bee visiting the center

of one flower, then another.

Even as the ink is drying

on her name, it is off

to visit someone in another city,

a city with two steeples,

rows of brick chimney pots,

and a school with a tree-lined entrance.

It will travel through the night to get there,

and it will arrive like an archangel

through an iron gate no one ever seemed to notice before.

<3

Avotatchos!

When I lived in the Northwest, I quickly learned that tatchos were the standard Portland bar food when you're 4 drinks in, despite them never appearing on any real  menu ever. I had never heard of putting tater tots in your nachos before, because why fix something that ain't broken? But listen. This is the best idea you will make the entire year of the snake (happy holidays, by the by).

So I've had a hankering for some tatchos ever since I've moved back to Kentucky - where literally no one has ever had the thought to cover tater tots in cheese. Also every time I drink more than 2 beers, I think it might be a good idea to fry up some tots and slather them with fixins. I was going to throw some together for the Super Duper Bowl, but I took a nap instead and also my friends are too hip to own TVs. So I finally said ENOUGH and made some tonight.

These are made with blue corn tortilla chips, diced avocado, sauteed mushrooms, mango salsa, tempeh crumbles, Isa's cheese sauce from Veganomicon, sriracha, Tofutti sour cream and ---- wait.... AVOTOTS.

What's an avotot? It's a tater tot made with potatoes AND avocado. Inspired by my compulsion to throw avocado into whatever I damn well please. Here's how you make them:

3 russet potatoes
2 tsp seasoned salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 avocado
3 T flour
1/2 T chili garlic sauce

Boil the potatoes until easily pierced with a fork. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mash up an avocado with the seasonings and chili garlic sauce. When the taters are done cooking, drain them, then grate them into the avocado bowl while they're still hot. Mix well, then add the flour.

In a small skillet, heat about 1/4 an inch of vegetable oil on medium heat. When you can start to see the current in the oil, ball up your avotater mixture into precious little tot-balls. Toss them into the skillet and turn once golden on one side. I shouldn't have to explain how to fry stuff, right? We're adults, right?

That said, let those drain on a paper towel when they're finished.

Not pictured: amaretto rum cocktail that will surely help me pass this food baby.

Green Breakfast Balls with Sweet Banana Sauce

I literally just burned the roof of my mouth because I ate one of these, decided it was worth it, and ate two more before they cooled. I think there's an AA for that, yes?

You may have heard me whine about never getting to make breakfast (yes, you, the one person who reads my blog), because I work at 5am. WELL GUYS today I had the morning off so I made a little somethin somethin. These balls are magic and I ate nearly all of them (using the old oh-it's-fine-I'm-going-on-a-run-later excuse). They take little preparation, and the long baking time is good for reading poems or walking to your local coffee shop for some spro.

This is how we do it: (#MontellJordan)

1 C chopped spinach
1/2 C chopped walnuts
1/2 C dried apricots, chopped
3/4 C (or just literally a handful) pitted dates
1 T dried coconut shreds
1 T natural creamy peanut butter
1/2 C flax meal (or ground flax seeds)

Preheat your oven to 350.

Toss the spinach and walnuts in your food processor and pulse a dozen times until crumbly. Then toss in the apricots, dates and coconut and pulse again until well mixed. Next add the peanut butter and pulse a few more times until it's all one cohesive good mess of green and brown.

Now it's time to roll! Throw some flax meal into a small bowl for coating. Scoop out a small handful of your spinach/nut/fruit mixture, roll into a ball, and toss in the flax meal until fully coated. Do this until your're out of spinach/nut/fruit mixture, then bake at 350 for 35 minutes (remember to let these cool!!!). This might make about 8 bigger balls or 12 small ones.

So many innuendos available here. You're welcome for avoiding them.

While my balls were baking (seriously), I threw together a sauce. Easy peasy:

1/2 banana
1/2 T honey
1 tsp pure maple syrup

Mash the banana with a fork, then whisk in the sweeteners until runny and relatively smooth. This is a delicious addition to the balls, but they are sweet in and of themselves so it's not totally necessary.